Dating & Relationships

Ever feel like everyone has met their match but you? Not to worry! Your perfect guy is out there -- here're some tips on how to meet him!

1. Don't make yourself over. If you've been without that someone special in your life for a while, you may be thinking that there's something wrong with you. So, you decide to lose weight, gain weight, change your hair, buy new clothes, hang out with different people. But all that effort can lead to more disappointment when the "new" you doesn't get the guy. Your best bet? Be yourself. You're great the way you are. And, believing that makes guys see you as confident and attractive.

2. Socialize. If you want to meet a guy get out and circulate. Seriously. How're you supposed to meet anyone if you're home watching TV? Also, when you're out meeting people, keep this statistic in mind*Studies have shown that the majority of people are emotionally compatible with only about one out of 25 people. So, the odds that the first guy you talk to at a party is the guy for you are slim. There's no need to be disappointed. Just talk to as many different guys as you can. You'll get a better sense of the type of guy you gravitate toward. What's the best way of going about meeting lots of guys? Here are some strategies for socializing:

Join school clubs or sports teams. Whether it's volleyball, the school paper or the debate team, the beauty is that you'll meet new people with interests similar to yours!
Consider getting a part-time job. You never know who'll be working along side you*plus, the extra $ couldn't hurt!
Get involved. Sign up for the school/church car wash, bake sale or canned food drive. You'll interact with new people and benefit a good cause in one fell swoop.
3. Expect a first date to be awkward. So, you've met a guy you think is nice and you're planning to go out. Don't be surprised if you experience the dating equivalent of stage fright. You may become tongue-tied, after all, you want to impress him. You may feel that you need to keep the conversation rolling. Any pauses or silences can feel awkward. Don't worry. Chances are, he's feeling the same way. So, what to talk about? Ask him about himself, his favorite classes, his family. Try to ask open-ended questions that need more than a one-word response (Why do you like The Rock best?). As for where to go on your date, you may want to attend a sporting event or head to the local mall, someplace where there are lots of people, sights and sounds to comment on. That way, if things become really awkward you'll have something else to focus on.

4. Recognize that being in a relationship involves a lot of work. Contrary to what romance novels and sappy teen movies depict, love at first sight is rare. But you can increase the odds of knowing that a guy is right for you if you know what it is you want in a guy! What traits does your ideal guy have? What are some that you wouldn't be able to tolerate? Create a dream guy on paper. While a guy may not meet every requirement on your list, you will be able to get a better sense of whether or not he's right for you. It's certainly easier to find what you want if you know what you're looking for!

5. Trust your intuition. Attraction is based on chemistry. If you feel really uncomfortable around a particular guy, don't continue to date him thinking things will change. Ask yourself some questions. Do you feel you can trust him? Does he value your opinions? Does he treat you with respect? If you answer "no," rethink whether or not he's the one for you. Don't waste your time with someone who isn't up to your standards.

6. Don't ignore your friends. Your best friends can be a real asset when it comes to meeting guys. Set some guy-meeting goals. For example, one week you can challenge each other to say hi to five guys. The next week, dare each other to ask one out. And, of course, you can always turn to your friends for guy advice and feedback - remember though that they're not experts either and that you need to trust your gut.

7. Be enthusiastic. Continue to stay involved in school clubs and activities that are important to you. Guys like girls who get involved in life, not girls who are solely involved in getting a guy!

8. Take it slowly. Be sure you really get to know a guy before things get serious. If he can't wait to get intimate, his interest in the relationship may have more to do with sex than you. Remember this above all else: A guy who really likes you*will be there whether you're sleeping with him or not.

9. Don't forget to have fun! You may need to meet lots of guys before you meet the right one for you, but you'll learn a lot in the process. Even though the statistics show that out of 25 guys, you're only likely to click with one of them, the other 24 guys are likely to be nice people, just not your type. Plus, they may be friends with the guy who the one for you! Take some advice from the people who care about you the most. Your family and friends have made clear that you deserve the best. There's a lot to be gained by taking time to find the right guy and seeking out a guy who will appreciate you! The guy for you is out there*get ready to meet him!

In every relationship, there is a level of closeness and comfort level we share with a person. The love we share with our closed ones is dependent on a number of factors. However, when we are faced with problems which have a mighty effect on our relationship, aspects of our relationship may take a different turn.

All of us, in some way or the other believe that every relationship should be perfect like the continuation of a Prince Charming meeting his beauty and living happily ever after. We all believe in the ideal institution of love and romance. With times, the concept of love has taken a very different turn. It is not just the Casanovas or women with loose characters who tell every guy they meet that they love them but people with past relationships also have uttered idealistic words which may no sense over a period of time. The ideal of love has not any Mills and Boon teenage love story in today's world. There is much more to it.

Relationships today are based on survival and adjustment. These two words may send a chill across your spine. However, this is the new definition of love sandwiched with keeping the notion of love alive and dealing conflicts is a new way of communication.

Conflicts in love is a part and parcel of every relationship shared by two people. The severity of conflicts depend on our own weaknesses and shortcomings and in those of our persons we have chosen to be with. At first, we are tuned to looking at our love relationship through rose tinted glasses but over a period of time, when the passion or madness of being in love with your mate ceases, our true selves emerge on the fore making it difficult to make any relationship work. Couples have conflicts on many areas such as keeping the friendship of an ex- flame , lack of financial resources for basic sustenance, infidelity and lack of sexual pleasure emerging from sexual intercourse.
If you look closely into many failed relationships, lack of communication seems to be the number one threat to jeopardize any relationship. To better your relationship, communication is extremely crucial. The Shakespearean tragedy Othello serves as an appropriate example to illustrate this point . Conflicts in their own way serve as a means for speaking our heart out on issues and helps in solving problems. Healthy conflicts is a must in every relationship if you do not use weapons to wage marital or love wars. Having arguments and coming to a healthy conclusion of making your loved one happy is essential for happiness. After resolving differences with your loved one, share your love with some great love making!

There's a little bit of "Peanuts" love-struck Charlie Brown in every young man the moment he catches sight of his first little red-haired girl and realizes he's in love. His palms sweat, his voice goes into a definitive squeak, and he finds that he'd rather wear a lunch sack over his head than risk the humiliation of being turned down for a date.
If there's a special girl at your school, church or where you work that you have been wanting to get to know, here's some reassuring news to make you feel better: chances are that she's just as anxious about it as you are.


No one likes to be rejected. Why? Because it makes them feel as if something is personally wrong with them instead of the reality that it's the circumstances themselves that just don't make for a good match.
In taking the bold step of asking a girl out for the first time, the following guidelines will ease the pressure and increase your odds for an enthusiastic "yes!"

IS SHE AVAILABLE?

Much as young men might wish it to be otherwise, not every interesting or dazzling young lady on the planet is walking around unattached and available. She may already be seeing someone else. She may be a studious type who isn't dating anyone because she wants to focus on her education. Perhaps she comes from a family that has either forbidden her to date until she is older or does not want her to date someone outside their faith or ethnicity. Maybe it is the awkward scenario that her father owns the place where you both work or maybe her mother has had a longstanding spat with your mom. As long as both of you are minors and living under the house rules of a parent, rocking the boat will only add to the friction and make it difficult to pursue a more serious relationship.

In order to find out if the object of your affections is available, you need to hone your observation skills, pay attention to who her friends are, and, if need be, recruit an intermediary who knows both of you. Many a high school or youth group romance, by the way, has been nudged along by helpful matchmakers. In the event you learn that she is not available to go out with you, build a bridge and get over it. There is no reason why you can't be friends with this girl. If you are only doing it as a means to break up her existing relationship or cause problems with her family, however, you will be doing both of you a favor to look elsewhere for a date to the dance.

DOES SHE SEEM TO LIKE YOU?

Does she smile every time she sees you? Does she find excuses to strike up a conversation? Does she ask for your help with the French fry machine or comment on the minister's last sermon? These are clues that she wants to know more about you. Even if it doesn't lead to the great romance of the millennium, never discount the value of having sincere, fun and trustworthy friends of the opposite sex to talk to and spend time with. Think of it this way: sparks may not ignite with this particular young woman but she may have a roommate or a cousin visiting from Seattle who would be perfect for you.

COMMON GROUND

The fact that you attend the same school, go to the same church, or work the same shift at the pizza parlor already gives you plenty of stuff in common. If you're too tongue-tied to pop the date question, spend a couple weeks leading up to it with casual chit-chat. Ask her if she's seen a particular movie or what she thought of the last assignment in Mr. Carlson's history class. Compliment her on her appearance. Ask her opinion about a new CD that just came out. Make her laugh.

As your comfort level increases, pay attention to the clues she is communicating in response. Example:

YOU: Have you seen that new scary movie with Hugh Jackman?

HER: Not yet. I really want to but none of my friends want to go.

Hello? In case you weren't paying attention, she just handed you the perfect opening to say, "Maybe we could go see it together."

Always keep in mind that girls don't want to get turned down any more than boys do. Accordingly, they dance around the issue in the hope that the boys they like will get the hint. They're also not shy about letting boys know their likes and dislikes. For instance:

YOU: My brother's getting me tickets to the Monster Truck Smashatravaganza.

HER: (rolling her eyes) Those shows are so totally juvenile.

In the event that you happen to think that Monster Truck Smashatravaganzas are the ideal date, you will either need to find something different that both of you would enjoy together or find a girl who likes this type of entertainment as much as you do.

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

Never wait until the day of the event to ask someone if they'd like to go to it (i.e., the afternoon of the Senior Prom). What this tells the girl is that she probably wasn't your first choice. Even if she really was, these last minute tactics will come off as if someone else dumped you and you are desperate.

Planning a date in advance gives her the chance to decide what to wear, get someone to cover her shift, or just daydream in anticipation.

It's also crucial that you never ask a girl out in front of other people. If you do, one of several things will happen. She may say yes just to keep from embarrassing you, then turn around and tell you no and never to do that to her again. She may be excited and say yes, then regret that she has made your date first-page news and the ongoing object of unwanted gossip. She could also give you a flat no, an awkward moment which is compounded by everyone else witnessing it and labeling you a loser.

Pick a time when the two of you have some privacy. For instance, it could be a walk home from school or a break at the concession stand. While you can also resort to a phone call or an email, do you really want to trust to technology something as significant as a first date? What if there's a server glitch or the battery on your cell phone chooses that precise moment to die? Besides, girls really do like to be asked in person. If you must resort to something less traumatic than talking, an old-fashioned note is a sweet way to go.

HAVE A PLAN

If you're asking a girl to a dance, there's pretty much a clear understanding that dancing will be involved. If, however, you only ask if she wants to go out on Friday, she has no idea if you mean bowling, the movies or dinner at a nice restaurant. Have a plan in mind, as well as a specific time and whether you will pick her up or meet her somewhere. Oh, and make sure you have the funds to pay for this unless there is an agreement in advance that the two of you are going Dutch. Whatever time you have agreed to, be punctual. (It makes a good impression and shows that your word can be trusted.) Never, ever cancel a date unless it is a legitimate emergency. Word travels fast in social circles, no matter what age you happen to be. If you lie to her, it is a sure thing that she will find out about it. She will also tell her girlfriends and they won’t want to go out with you, either.

DON'T RUSH THINGS

Even if you're certain that this is the person you want to spend eternity with, a first date isn't the time to tell her that you have already picked out a house and the names of your six children. The purpose of a date is to have fun, get to know them, and decide whether you'd like to see him or her again. Relationships that are rushed are likely to burn out just as fast. You’re still young. Savor the moment. Have a good time. And if all goes well, you’ll have no problem getting a second date with this special someone.

Asking a man out is no easy feat. It's up there along with one of Hercules' ten tasks, even including the one where he has to tame Cerberus, the hound of hell.

This is because to do something this bold, one must have self-confidence in oodles…and confidence is as they say, rare as diamonds.

One thing that's important is to keep in mind that you must have realistic expectations. That means that when you set your sights on someone, don't aim for the impossible.

Movie stars, musicians, sports celebrities - these are people that are nearly as out of reach as the planets in our galaxy. Likewise, someone who's taken, be they dating, engaged or married should be firmly put in the friend box. It's not just good manners, consider it accumulating healthy karma as well.

If you're 15 and the boy you're after is 24, don't go there. It brings nothing but misery and a nasty lawsuit if you get caught. Not to mention that any guy who goes after underage chicks is a dodgy b*stard who should be dobbed in to the police.

Likewise, anyone who has a known history of violence, commitment phobia, sleeping around or collecting broken hearts on a string should be steered clear of. That's just common sense.

Right, but say you've found a boy. He's lovely - kinda quiet, gets carried away when he talks about soccer and his dog, makes a mean curry, shows you his collection of books (and they're not all just a front for his porn)… in short, someone who has potential - how do you get up the guts to do it? It all goes back to confidence.

Confidence is simply the ability to be positive about yourself and the outcome of a situation. You need to make sure that whatever happens, whatever his answer is, you can tell yourself that you are able to handle it.

At the same time, you should know that nothing he says is a reflection of you as a person. In other words, don't take it personally. If you can't bear the thought of rejection, then perhaps you'd be better off not asking someone out… because there's always a risk of that when something involves another person.

So say you've talked yourself into that frame of mind, it's the right time, the mood is romantic, you're standing in front of him, he's smiling into your eyes and you're not sure but damn… the sunlight by the photocopy machine makes him look fine… just do it.

And don't beat around the bush either. Most people, men and women, aren't good at reading between the lines - they either get it wrong, or don't get it at all.

You need to make it plain in the simplest terms possible, spell it out if you will, that you're asking them out. "Frank, if you're not doing anything this weekend, do you want to go out with me?", or "Frank, how about catching a movie with me this Friday?" or "Frank, if you don't go out with me you're a fool and you're missing out on the greatest thing since sliced bread".

You get the picture. The thing is to make it clear to them that you want to hang out, just the two of you (this part is important - you don't want him to bring his sister or his mate Sarah along), and that this is a getting to know you process.

Be cool. Don't build it up too much in your head. It's nice to imagine scenarios and being that kind of girl myself, I know what it's like - but be sure to tell yourself firmly that this is only in your head. In reality, you haven't even gone on a date yet.

But say he says no, what then? At least you gave it a shot and hey - isn't it better to know in the long run? Your ego might get a bit bruised, but you'll survive and have experience to draw on for next time. This is the kind of stuff that gets easier with practise. Just remember - if you don’t make a big deal of it, he won't… and he'll most likely be flattered and go along with it out of curiosity.

The things worth having in life don't come easy. Sometimes, you really have to struggle for them. And the first step you can take towards a relationship starts with a simple "Hi, I think you're pretty cool. Will you go out with me?"

This post is talking in general this certainly isn’t true for every man. The interesting topic of debate lately has been whether making love before marriage can cause the relationship to fail. So you love this girl and you guys have been dating for about a year now but She hasn’t been intimate with you. Most girls will take the sexual relationship slow for fear that should you decide to turn your back on her for marriage then things may be different. Some girls in the name of love and being totally emotional will actually make love with their guy before marriage. Society would look as this as Tabbo. The question here is why should only a girl have to worry about the love making process. Why should guys not have the same border lines. Do guys still want their wedding night to be with the so called Pure person?

If your answer is YES then please respect your girl’s wishes and make sure never to ask her to make love to you till the day you get married. Also make sure that you don’t indulge in any sex activity prior to marriage. Its suppose to be scared and for that special someone. If you are in love and know for a fact that she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with then by all means go ahead but keep your promise of marriage.

The next point to note is that if a girl does have sex before she gets married we should not look down on this person. Sex is not the only valid point for a human to exist, a lot of factors need to be taken into account. There are guys who love sex and would do it with any and everyone, then there are guys who are timid and shy but are faithful to the nth degree, there are guys who may not look good but have a heart of gold, while you could find guys who look good but don’t give a damn about others.

The same way you have girls who show they are innocent and speak with a sweet voice and guys fall for this, these girls in fact could be having a relationship with more than one guy but who would guess right? then you find girls who appear to be very forward and guys get the wrong impression, these girls could have a heart of gold and would go to any degree to help out a friend, so don’t make judgments of love depending on when a person made love.

Instead love a person for who they are and for what you are receiving and giving in a relationship. Create a bond that is spiritual and based on friendship rather than sex. If you can achieve this in your relationship and look at people through a refresh mentality, it will take you to higher heights

All the best!!!!

Why women cheat?

Do you know why your wife or girlfriend is cheating on you?. Nowadays there are more and more cheating wives, cheating girlfriends, cheating spouse out there. The differences in men and women cheating is that men often cheat for physical reasons while women often have emotional reasons for cheating on their partner. The reasons why women cheat include loneliness, revenge, boredom and self esteem and more . These factors may be inexcusable but they do exist in the minds of a cheating woman. More and more women are becoming guilty of cheating on their partners and it is often emotional reasons rather than lust that drive them to these affairs.
Loneliness is one of the primary reasons that women seek out affairs and cheat on their partner


Of course she wanted to be the sex kitten when Men were still plying her with compliments, planning romantic dinners, and surprising her with smooth sex moves. But now that Men think Men don’t need to buy her dinner to get her in bed, she’s wondering if she can’t do a little better than Men.


Although it sounds contradictory that they should feel lonely because the women are currently in a relationship, it is often a relationship that is not emotionally fulfilling. Women involved in these unsatisfactory relationships may feel as lonely if not more so than women who are not in a relationship. If a woman is not receiving the attention she feels she deserves in a relationship, she may be tempted to seek that attention elsewhere and become involved in an affair. A partner who becomes overly involved with his work or a hobby may not make time to spend with his partner and this often results in the women feeling as if they are all alone. This feeling of loneliness can drive a woman to cheat on her partner. One of the most prevalent reasons why women cheat is that they feel as though their current partner is not lavishing much attention on them and they feel lonely even in his presence.
Revenge has also become and increasing factor in why women cheat

Men got busted banging some other babe and now the gal wants to get even. Sadly, some chicks see the infidelity as a "get out of jail free" card that lets her indulge her own cheatin’ heart without the consequences. There’s a simple prevention method here: Don’t cheat. And if Men do, Men’d better be unwaveringly reassuring in the feelings of remorse and reform. And maybe buy her something expensive and sparkly.

The modern woman is no longer willing to sit back and accept the fact that their partner may cheat on them. If a woman confirms or even just holds a suspicion that their partner is cheating on them, they may be driven to engage in an affair of their own as an act of revenge. The theory of, “An eye for an eye,” has unfortunately trickled down into the realm of romantic relationships and many women see a cheating partner as a justification to have an affair of their own. They believe that they are justified in having an affair if they catch their partner cheating on them. Furthermore they may be extremely hurt by their partner’s actions and seek a way to hurt them in the same way. While it is not a justifiable reason, many women see revenge as an appropriate reason for cheating on their spouse.
Boredom may also factor into why women cheat

Their current relationship may have fallen into a rut and lost the excitement that it possessed in the early stages of its existence. They may feel that their relationship has become dull and predictable and rather than trying to bring excitement into their current relationship they may pursue affairs in the hopes of achieving the excitement they felt when they first became involved with their partner. While an affair may bring about a temporary solution of making the woman feel excited about love again it may ultimately destroy both their current relationship as well as their cheating relationship. An affair is exciting not only because it involves a relationship with a new person but also because it involves sneaking around and ultimately getting away with doing something wrong. To many women this is very exciting and they are willing to risk losing their relationship over their affair. Many women cheat because they are bored with the monotony of their current relationship and they seek to bring excitement back into their life through engaging in an affair.
Another reason why women cheat is a lack of self esteem

Women may feel that they are not getting an adequate amount of admiration from their partner and they may be tempted to cheat to affirm that they are still attractive and desirable. When a relationship meets a stagnant point where the partners are no longer making a conscious effort to reassure each other that they are still desirable, many women begin to feel insecure. This insecurity leads women to seek affirmation of their desirability outside of the relationship in the form of an affair. Being found desirable by another compensates for the lack of longing they feel from their partner and helps to boost their self esteem. While women with a healthy self esteem are more apt to remain happy in a relationship, those that lack self esteem are often driven to cheat on their partners.
And, some other reasons why women cheat on men

Men Changed…Or the Relationship Did

Men got meaner. Or messier. Or suddenly decided that getting the lazy butt off the couch long enough to grab another beer from the fridge was suitable exercise for the day. While it’s good to feel comfortable in the relationship, it doesn’t give Men permission to let theself go. Unless Men want to let her go.

The Grass is Greener

Just like she’ll cheat on her diet to taste that eclair, she might be tempted to treat herself to that tasty new guy in her office just because he’s there and looking delicious. Maybe she’s bored. Or maybe he’s really the man of her dreams. (Hey, we said we’d tell Men why women cheat; we didn’t say Men’d like all the reasons).

She’s Just Evil

Some babes are just always looking out for the better deal. She could get off on the illicit thrill of flirting with the forbidden; she could just like toying with nice boys like Men. Either way, the solutions are clear. Dump the dame or resign theself to frequent screenings for STDs.

It’s a common question and everybody seems to have an opinion; can guys and girls really be just friends? Depending on whom you ask you get a variety of answers. So while in theory there is no good reason that guys and girls can’t be friends in reality it really depends on the people involved. Some people can pull off opposite sex friendships and some people can’t. We asked around and got some pretty interesting, and often contradictory answers to the question, “Can guys and girls be just friends?”

I think they can if they want to, I mean what’s the big deal? It’s not like you want to date everybody you meet. Some guys are just too goofy to want to have as more than a friend.
- Laura, 16

Any girl who has a guy as a good friend is either a tease or living in denial. Guys may not always make a move on their girl “friends” but they wouldn’t ever turn the girl down if she made a move on them.
- Steven, 18

It’s just wrong. Guys and girls can’t relate to each other, they live such different lives. Guys are all about sports and tricks and keeping it real with their boys. Girls are gossips and backstabbers. I can see why a girl may want to be friends with guys because girls are vicious to each other but guys don’t need girls as their friends. If a girl is in your life she’s either a relative or your girlfriend, there’s no need for them anywhere else.
- Kai, 17

Guys are dogs. They just want one thing from a girl and it’s not good companionship. I have enough trouble fighting off guys who want to date me, who needs to deal with guys pretending to be your friend just to get to you?
- Alixandra, 15

Everybody makes this such an issue but it’s not. Some guys can be your friend and some can’t, it’s that simple. People are individuals and it’s not fair to group all guys together or all girls together as being one way. Friends come in all shapes, sizes, ages, colors AND genders.
- Kirsten, 17

Only really weak guys can’t be friends with girls. Girls are cool and make awesome friends.
- Tom, 15

Honestly, I’m torn on this. I’d like to say that yes guys and girls can be just friends but every boyfriend I’ve ever had started out as just a friend and then became something more. I’m not sure anymore that acting like “just a friend” isn’t just another move that guys use to get a girl.
- Lisle, 19

The “just friends” move is gold! Works every time. Of course guys and girls CAN be just friends but why would any guy want that? If I’m spending time with a girl it’s because I like her as more than a friend. I will say this though, there are some girls I wanted to get with at first but then decided they’d be cool as a friend instead but those friendships never last long.
- Aaron, 16

Like leprechauns and unicorns the search for true love can seem like a fantasy that will never come true, but rest assured, you will find “the one” one day. In fact, as you head down the path of life you are likely to find a few “the ones”, that is you are likely to fall in love more than once. How can you tell the difference between love-right-now and the-right-and-true-love? You can’t really. Each and every time you fall in love it will feel like the real and final deal and it will be true. Every relationship will have something important to offer you and none, no matter how painfully they may end, will be a waste of your time. Each relationship will teach you a valuable lesson about yourself, your capacity to love, and what you are looking for (and not looking for) in a partner. So how can you tell if the person you are with is worthy of your “true love”? How can you know when a crush has moved beyond lust and in to the realm of love? Here are some sure fire signs that your affair of the heart has reached true love status:

1. You can’t help but smile when you see her/him and s/he is always smiling back.
2. You feel comfortable and secure in the relationship and really trust your partner not to hurt you; ie, there is no need for jealousy or suspicion.
3. There have been good times and bad times and through, or in spite of, them all you have remained together.
4. There are no major dramas in the relationship; ie, you do not test one anothers love, engage in relationship foiling gossip or feel the need to play games.
5. You each do kind and thoughtful things for the other “just because” and doing them makes both people feel good.
6. Outside pressures are few and far between; there are none or only minor issues with peers, friends, family and teachers.
7. There is no violence in the relationship at all — NONE!
8. You enhance one another, neither one of you presses the other to do things that may lead to harm or that the other is opposed to doing.
9. The things that make you different do not push you apart; ie, different religions, cultural backgrounds or personal beliefs.
10. There is no sacrifice, only compromise.
11. Sex or no sex: it doesn’t matter, either way it isn’t an issue and nobody has been pressured to do something they weren’t ready to do.
12. You know that everything you feel is returned in kind by your partner.

Remember, the idea of one true love is romantic but unrealistic. Open your heart to the idea of loving more than one person in your life, think of these relationships as test runs for the final true love, the person you end up spending your life with, and live in the moment. If you get tunnel vision and become obsessed with finding the mystical and magical “one” s/he may just pass you by.

The point I would criticise concerns the assumption I see running through that post that sex is the cheating part - it isn’t. But before I leap into a flawed post, the issue - as is rightly pointed out in that article, is talking. And I don’t mean after the fact either - speaking as a bloke, you will only ever find out what a woman thinks cheating is AFTER you have done something which you probably do NOT think is cheating - and your same-sex mates would agree with you and possibly even some opposite sex mates as well.. Read on…and what follows is the views of a 41 yo bloke who is still with the woman he met over 22 years ago and married in 1986. This neither entitles me to a “I’m better than you” opinion, nor does mean I’m telling you anything else.

Which of the following is cheating ?

1. Paying a prostitute for (safe) sex
2. Having sex with someone from the office at a drunken office party
3. Having sex with someone from the office while at work
4. Having sex with a woman you just met in a bar after an argument at home
5. Having sex with a woman you just met in a bar while away from home
6. Having phone/text/cybersex with someone you will never meet
7. Having phone/text/cybersex with someone you do meet
8. Meeting someone for a drink who your partner does not like but they do not know
9. Meeting someone for a drink who your partner does not like and you lied about the meeting
10. Holding hands with someone else in public when your partner is not around
11. Oral sex from you
12. Oral sex on you
13. Thinking of someone else while having sex with your partner
14. Buying secret gifts for someone else
15. Sending secret texts to someone else
16. Telling someone of the opposite sex all your secrets and your feelings about your partner but without touching them at all
17. Kissing someone else passionately
18. Buying flowers for someone else but not telling your partner
19. Buying flowers for someone else who your partner does not like and not telling your partner

All of those are cheating, and that list is but a tiny tiny fraction of what I think another person would use in a fight - and when trust is broken, a fight (hopefully just verbal) results. So going back to the article at LifeHut, and using that list, I got the impression that the author there would tick all the ’sex’ items. Of course reading this list he will tick them all probably, but that was my impression. And I think that the sex assumption is wrong.
Sex is a biological urge. Stronger in some than others, inflamed by alcohol and circumstances but it’s just an act. It’s almost ‘notch on the bedpost’ stuff, it’s about conquest, immediate satiation, lust, scoring and any number of other euphemisms we have for sexual intercourse. In the end though, it’s a base urge and one that arguably we can lose control of at times. Note - I said arguably. So the sex thing .. yes, it is cheating IF both partners agree - and that could be a complex area.

Cheating is when the harmed person says it is, not when you think it is.

Number 16 is the killer - and I’ve known people who would class 10 as a hanging offence. There’s no touching going on. There’s no base urges happening, but they have just bared their soul to someone else. Which scenario is worst ?

• Your partner walks in and says “I’ve just had sex with X from work” OR
• Your partner walks in and says “I’ve just told everything I feel about us and you to X from work”

Initially, the first hurts but this - however much you protest - could be ‘defended’ albeit it in a way you might not agree with. But the second ? there is no defence for that. That was actively disclosing information to someone else who now possesses that information and even if they never use it against you, you cannot feel the same about them again. In fact they both hurt, but very differently. Because of the first, physical intimacy becomes difficult but because of the second emotional intimacy is ruined.

The problem is that you simply cannot ask all the possible questions and even if you did, you would get not all the answers back. I don’t think you can get through any relationship of any depth over an extended period of time without some form of ‘cheating’ going on. If you have done something - anything - that your partner would not like and you have not told them, then they could class that as cheating. You may not see it that way, but your view counts for nothing at that point in time.
Test: if they did what you just have, would you be happy about it ?
Another test: if you won the lottery would you choose ‘No Publicity’ because of what the Press would dig up about you ?

So where’s my answer ? I haven’t got one. I don’t believe there is one despite all these junk TV programmes and Agony Aunt columns advising us about what not to do and when not to do it. I also don’t think we should carry on our lives as if our partners were perched on our shoulders - aren’t they meant to enhance our life, not possess or dictate it ?

Fidelity is what you and your partner say it is. And as much as you believe in it, one day you’ll screw it up. That’s the way life is.

Once A Cheater Always A Cheater?

Infidelity is one of the most devastating things that can happen in a relationship. When one partner cheats on another it leaves lifelong scars. Sometimes those scars may not be evident until later in life but nobody escapes infidelity unscathed.

Cheating Can Happen to Anyone

Being young doesn’t make it easier to deal with cheating. In fact, the innocence of youth and first love can make the wounds of infidelity cut even deeper.

Do people cheat because of something wrong in the relationship or is it something deep inside the cheater’s personality that leads them to stray? If a cheater cheats on one partner, will they also cheat on the next? Can you ever really trust a cheater? Should you even try? When it comes to cheating there are no easy answers.

Being Cheated On Hurts

Being cheated on by a person you love and trust is incredibly hurtful. When you are cheated on it impacts the core of how you interact with people.

Infidelity makes raw nerves of things like trust, self respect, self worth and ego identity. People who have been cheated on often have difficulty trusting again. They either avoid relationships altogether or become detached serial-daters. People who have been cheated on are afraid of being hurt again.

In a strange twist many people who have been cheated on cling to the person who has betrayed them. It is a devil-you-know mentality. People who have been cheated on feel that they could never trust a new person so they are better off staying with somebody they know and hoping that person will change. The change they hope for rarely comes.

What Makes a Cheater?

People who cheat fall in to many different categories. Some simply don’t care about their partners, some lack empathy in general, others are narcissistic or selfish by nature, and some are drama seekers. However, all cheaters are driven by one common urge, the urge toward self-satisfaction above all else.

Cheaters are motivated by their own needs. They ignore right and wrong in order to satisfy those needs. They act selfishly and think only of what they want with little concern for those they hurt.

Cheaters may genuinely care for the person they cheat on but they will always put their own needs and desires ahead of those of their partners. Cheaters are selfish. They don’t want to end one relationship in order to pursue another. They want it all and don’t care about the cost.

Why Do People Cheat?

If you ask a cheater why they cheated they will most likely try to blame their infidelity on the relationship, the circumstances surrounding the affair, the person they cheated with or even the person they cheated on. They rarely blame themselves.

Most cheaters know that what they did was wrong and feel the need to justify their bad behavior. They will have a variety of excuses ranging from impairment to something lacking in their partner, but in the end they cheated because they wanted to. Try as they might to give a good reason for their behavior they rarely have one.

People who cheat do so because of something inside of them. Nothing another person does can make a cheater cheat. No matter how unhappy a relationship may be a cheater makes a choice to deal with that unhappiness by cheating. They have nobody to blame but themselves.

If a cheater is unhappy in a relationship they don’t have to cheat, they can leave. They choose to betray the trust of another person by cheating rather than ending the relationship. There is never a good reason to cheat, there are only good reasons to break off a relationship. Cheating is not only selfish it is cruel.

Can Cheaters Change?

People can always change. Cheaters are no different. Whether or not a cheater can change is completely up to the individual. The reasons the cheater gives for their past infidelity can help determine if they really want to change or if they might do it again.

Some people cope with down times in their relationships by seeking outside excitement. If cheating is a coping mechanism it will require therapy to address and overcome. If this type of cheater doesn’t get help chances are good they will do it again. It is just the way they cope with bad times in a relationship.

Some cheaters are just immature and grow out of the cheating urge. This is common in teens and young adults because peer pressure can make them get in to a relationship before they are really ready. These types of cheaters are less likely to do it again.

Other cheaters cheat because they can. If they have repeatedly cheated and been forgiven chances are good that the cheating won’t stop. It has become a part of the relationship dynamic. The only way to beat this cycle is with individual and couples therapy.

Moving on From Cheating

If somebody cheats on one partner it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will cheat on the next but they must want to change. If they don’t address the reasons why they cheated in the past there is a good chance it will happen again in a new relationship.

No matter what reasons a cheater gives a new partner for their past infidelity the reality is that this is a person who is comfortable betraying the trust of an intimate partner. Don’t let lust lead you to overlook this character flaw.

A cheater who wants to change must do some real soul searching and take responsibility for the harm they have done. They must stop trying to rationalize their behavior and admit that it was wrong. If they can’t do this there is a good chance they will cheat again.

The 5 things we can’t let you know because it throws a real curve ball in our game. But as we all know guys aren’t the only game players in relationships. Girls play their fair share of games too. Girls play it coy, they wait for you to make moves before strategizing their own, and girls honestly don’t always say what they mean. Why? Why wouldn’t girls just tell it like it is? What do girls want from their guys? Why does it seem like girls only want the guys who treat them badly? Just what is going on in the female mind? Why won’t girls give good guys a chance? Finally we can give you some answers. Here it is, as promised, a look at the 5 things your girlfriend doesn’t want you to know as told by Love Lady Tina Kells

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1. We like the chase – you chasing us.
Yep, it’s sad but true that when a guy is too eager to catch us we wonder why. What is wrong with this guy? Why is he so clingy? Is he a control freak? Is he a serial dater? A player with many girlfriends on the go? Is he insane? It’s not that we don’t want to be caught, we do, we just don’t want to feel trapped and when things happen too fast trapped is how we feel. We need to be sure of our feelings and of our attraction before we can step off the racetrack and give up the chase. You need to woo us to make us yours. Some guys lay out traps, saying all the right things and meaning none of them, in an attempt to woo us and this gives way to our biggest fear; falling prey to an insincere guy who is more about the game than being in a relationship. For this reason even once we’re yours, even once we are sure of your feelings and you are sure of ours, we need to still feel a little bit of the chase. When you chase us we feel like you want us and are willing to do some work to be with us and we don’t want that feeling to go away just because you’ve caught us.

2. When we say we’re “OK” or that things are “fine” the opposite is probably true.
Girls are communicators. It is hardwired in to our psyches to talk and talk and talk some more whenever there is discord or conflict. So if you sense there’s a problem and gather the courage to ask us and we respond with a “fine” or “it’s ok” or some other sentence with less than 7 (short) words chances are good that we really want to talk. So, you think, what’s a guy to do? You ask a question, you get an answer, and you plan based on that answer. Who wants to read between the lines or guess what is really going on? What a waste of time, right? Wrong! When girls pull the short answers out during a conversation it is because we want you to put the effort in to getting us to open up. It comes from a place of feeling like you don’t usually care what we have to say so we want you to put some effort in to getting us to talk so we can be sure we will be listened to. Now those perceptive guys among you may have your hands up right now waiting to ask the obvious question… if a girl feels like she’s not usually heard isn’t that the REAL problem? Yes, yes it is, and one little talk won’t stop that feeling of being marginalized. In psychology we call this a learned response, a behavior that does not come naturally but rather has been developed through a process called social conditioning. You may very well be the most attentive boyfriend since the dawn of time but if her previous guys made her feel insignificant or unheard you’ll have to help her carry that baggage. Heck, you’ll have to help her unpack it and put it away! So when your girl replies with a curt little answer to your questions don’t take her at face value. Calmly and gently ask her a few more times. Once she feels like you will hear her nature will take over and, voila! You’ll be communication.

3. We want you to have your guy time.
It is such a myth that girls don’t like to let their guy just hang with the boys. It’s a terrible lie perpetrated by relationship-phobes throughout the ages. It is totally untrue that we want you to give up your life to be with us. Think of it this way… when we met you and fell for you, you were (hopefully) single and your friends were a big part of your life. Take your friends away and a big piece of the guy we fell for goes with them. So we want you to keep your guy time. We know you need your friends and truth be told we need our friends too. That being said, obviously when you are single you have lots of spare time to spend with friends but when you are in a relationship some of that time is going to be taken up by your significant other (A.K.A. us). That is only normal. It is normal for you to need your guy time and it is normal for you to want to spend time with us. If you find the right balance the guy-time issue quickly becomes a non-issue. It is when we feel like you don’t make as much time for us as you do for them or that you resent being away from your friends when you are with us that the stereotypical “girlfriend verses the friends” scenario takes the stage. It’s all about balance. Spending time with your friends or with us will never be an issue as long as there is a balance and as long as we never feel that they mean more to you than we do or that they come always first.

4. We want to know your friends but aren’t so sure you need to know ours.
I’m not going to lie; this is hypocrisy in its most raw form. We want you to bring us around your friends, we want to know them and we want them to like us, but we aren’t quite as crazy about you knowing our friends. The why of this is as simple as it is irrational and here it is… we want to know your boys so we can understand the kinds of things they may get you to do when we’re not around. In short, will they encourage you to cheat on us, will they get you doing reckless and dangerous things, and will they help you engage in self-destructive activities? What we want to know is if they will be good or bad influences on you. We also want to create a buffer; we want your friends to like us so that they won’t want you to lose us. If there is no tension between your friends and us then we don’t need to fear them asking you to choose between love and friendship. Now on the flip side, we don’t really want you getting all chummy with our friends because we don’t want them to fill you in on all of our dirty little secrets. As previously noted girls are talkers by nature and we don’t want them to let something slip that may make you raise an eyebrow in our direction. We also fear, but will never admit fearing, you wanting one of our friends more than you want us. It’s bad enough to lose your guy to another girl but when that girl was once a friend, well, the sting is even sharper. So allow us this hypocrisy. It’s irrational, that’s true, but it’s also quite harmless.

5. We worry that other girls look better now that you are in a relationship.
Mike nailed the core of every girlfriend’s relationship insecurity on the head when he brought up the GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome). The idea that life is better on the other side is one of the most destructive forces in relationship world and girls feel that guys fall for it way too often. It is a great fear of ours that once you can’t have other girls you will suddenly want them all. It leads to a lot of unfounded jealousy brought on by innocent comments on your part or casual non-flirtatious conversations with other girls. So what’s a guy to do? In a perfect world you’d stop interacting with other girls altogether but our rational super-ego knows that’s not realistic. What you need to do is follow these three simple rules; 1) never pay more attention to another girl than you do to your girlfriend, 2) never comment over and over how hot/cool/nice/fun another girl is, and 3) if you meet a great girl while you’re in a relationship hook her up with one of your buddies (also known as taking her off the market and getting her out of our face). And should you ever really get the itch to jump the fence and live life on the other side… just do it! Don’t lead us on, don’t cheat on us, don’t sneak around, just end the relationship. If it ends up being a GIGS fueled mistake… oh well, consider it a hard lesson learned and leave us alone… we won’t want you back anyway!

1. We like being “the boyfriend.”
   Girls often think that guys are players-at-heart who love the single life and only settle down because society tells them that they have to, but nothing could be further from the truth. Sure there are some guys who get a serious case of the GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome) every time they make a commitment to a girl but these guys are the exception not the rule. We other guys have a word to describe our flakey won’t settle down counterparts – immature. For the most part guys love being in love just as much as girls do.
2. We don’t like when you pull away from us.
   Guys are competitive beasts so you’d think that the hard to get game would make us give chase, and in the beginning stages of a relationship it does, but once we’ve settled in and made a commitment to you we want the chase to stop. If you keep it up, if you keep pushing us away with your right hand while pulling us closer with your left, you’ll quickly find that we start pulling away altogether. Once we open our hearts the game totally changes for us. We don’t want to chase you forever so when you pull away from us, we pull away from you in what amounts to a psychological tug-o-war. The more you pull away the more we respond in kind. Keep it up and everyone just gets tired and calls it quits. So once you’ve landed your guy don’t keep playing hard to get, instead let him know that you’re happy you were caught.
3. We want our friends to like you… but not love you.
   In guy world the approval of our friends is very important so it makes sense that we want our friends to like you. But what we don’t want is for them to covet you. When we hook up with a very hot girl and our buddies ogle her it is a real turn off. This is why so many really pretty girls find themselves single. We just can’t handle the thought of losing you to one of our friends because if that happens we lose our girl, one of our boys and a big chunk of our egos. So if our friends like you and think you’re cool that’s great but if they wish they could have you that’s bad. Unfortunately this is totally out of your control. Rest assured that as guys get older we get more secure and this one matters less but in the meantime know this - if you’ve ever been dumped by a guy who you thought really liked you shortly after meeting his friends take comfort in the fact that you were probably just too hot for him to handle.
4. We want you to like, but not love, our friends.
   This one goes along with the other one for obvious reasons but there is a little more to it. Obviously we don’t want you ditching us to be with one of our buddies but we also don’t want you to work overtime trying to win our friends over. Sometimes no matter how great you are our friends will only act luke-warm toward you. This is most likely not your fault and usually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them but as long as our friends and you can hang out without incident the boyfriend in us is happy. We don’t want you to go out of your way to get our friends to like you because we want your energy focused on us and only us. We don’t want you to care what other guys think about you. We want your efforts and attentions to rest firmly on us. Is that immature? Probably. But hey, we’re guys!
5. We worry that YOU will dump US.
   If there is one thing I see over and over in the girl magazines it’s question after question about how to keep a guy interested but that’s not really very hard. When we like you, we like you and that’s all there is to it. In reality we probably spend more time worrying that you’ll dump us than we would ever spend thinking about dumping you. So relax and stop fixating on how or when our relationship will end and just be our girlfriend. That’s all it really takes to keep a guy happy.

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