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Children and Divorce Helping kids cope with separation and divorce Children & Separation or Divorce For children, divorce can be stressful, sad, and confusing. At any age, kids may feel uncertain or angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up. As a parent, you can make the process and its effects less painful for your children. Helping your kids cope with divorce means providing stability in your home and attending to your children’s needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. It won’t be a seamless process, but these tips can help your children cope. In This Article: Supporting your child What to tell your kids Listen and offer reassurance Provide stability and structure Take care of yourself Work with your ex Know when to seek help As a parent, it’s normal to feel uncertain about how to give your children the right support through your divorce or separation. It may be uncharted territory, but you can successfully navigate this unsettling time—and help your kids emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong. There are many ways you can help your kids adjust to separation or divorce. Your patience, reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as children learn to cope with new circumstances. By providing routines kids can rely on, you remind children they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. And if you can maintain a working relationship with your ex, you can help kids avoid the stress that comes with watching parents in conflict. Such a transitional time can’t be without some measure of hardship, but you can powerfully reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority. What I need from my mom and dad: A child’s list of wants I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me. Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty. I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other. Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth. When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side. Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems. Source: University of Missouri Helping children cope with divorce: What to tell your kids When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many parents freeze up. Make the conversation a little easier on both yourself and your children by preparing significantly before you sit down to talk. If you can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own anxieties ahead of time, and plan carefully what you’ll be telling them, you will be better equipped to help your children handle the news. What to say and how to say it Difficult as it may be to do, try to strike an empathetic tone and address the most important points right up front. Give your children the benefit of an honest—but kid-friendly—explanation. Tell the truth. Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them. Pick something simple and honest, like “We can’t get along anymore.” You may need to remind your children that while sometimes parents and kids don't always get along, parents and kids don't stop loving each other or get divorced from each other. Say “I love you.” However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping with homework. Address changes. Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different now, and other things won’t. Let them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go. Avoid blaming It’s vital to be honest with your kids, but without being critical of your spouse. This can be especially difficult when there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game. Present a united front. As much as you can, try to agree in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce—and stick to it. Plan your conversations. Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the living arrangements occur. And plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible. Show restraint. Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation. How much information to give Especially at the beginning of your separation or divorce, you’ll need to pick and choose how much to tell your children. Think carefully about how certain information will affect them. Be age-aware. In general, younger children need less detail and will do better with a simple explanation, while older kids may need more information. Share logistical information. Do tell kids about changes in their living arrangements, school, or activities, but don’t overwhelm them with the details. Keep it real. No matter how much or how little you decide to tell your kids, remember that the information should be truthful above all else. Helping children cope with divorce: Listen and reassure Support your children by helping them express emotions, and commit to truly listening to these feelings without getting defensive. Your next job is reassurance—assuaging fears, straightening misunderstandings, and showing your unconditional love. The bottom line: kids need to know that your divorce isn’t their fault. Help kids express feelings For kids, divorce can feel like loss: the loss of a parent, the loss of the life they know. You can help your children grieve and adjust to new circumstances by supporting their feelings. Listen. Encourage your child to share their feelings and really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about things you may not have expected. Help them find words for their feelings. It’s normal for children to have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk. Let them be honest. Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. If they aren’t able to share their honest feelings, they will have a harder time working through them. Acknowledge their feelings. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them. You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand. Clearing up misunderstandings Many kids believe that they had something to do with the divorce, recalling times they argued with their parents, received poor grades, or got in trouble. You can help your kids let go of this misconception. Set the record straight. Repeat why you decided to get a divorce. Sometimes hearing the real reason for your decision can help. Be patient. Kids may seem to “get it” one day and be unsure the next. Treat your child’s confusion or misunderstandings with patience. Reassure. As often as you need to, remind your children that both parents will continue to love them and that they are not responsible for the divorce. Give reassurance and love Children have a remarkable ability to heal when given the support and love they need. Your words, actions, and ability to remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your children of your unchanging love. Both parents will be there. Let your kids know that even though the physical circumstances of the family unit will change, they can continue to have healthy, loving relationships with both of their parents. It’ll be okay. Tell kids that things won’t always be easy, but that they will work out. Knowing it’ll be all right can provide incentive for your kids to give a new situation a chance. Closeness. Physical closeness—in the form of hugs, pats on the shoulder, or simple proximity—has a powerful way of reassuring your child of your love. Be honest. When kids raise concerns or anxieties, respond truthfully. If you don’t know the answer, say gently that you aren’t sure right now, but you’ll find out and it will be okay. Helping children cope with divorce: Provide stability and structure Helping children cope with divorceWhile it’s good for kids to learn to be flexible, adjusting to many new things at once can be very difficult. Help your kids adjust to change by providing as much stability and structure as possible in their daily lives. Remember that establishing structure and continuity doesn’t mean that you need rigid schedules or that mom and dad’s routines need to be exactly the same. But creating some regular routines at each household and consistently communicating to your children what to expect will provide your kids with a sense of calm and stability. The comfort of routines The benefit of schedules and organization for younger children is widely recognized, but many people don’t realize that older children appreciate routine, as well. Kids feel safer and more secure when they know what to expect next. Knowing that, even when they switch homes, dinnertime is followed by a bath and then homework, for example, can set a child’s mind at ease. Maintaining routine also means continuing to observe rules, rewards, and discipline with your children. Resist the temptation to spoil kids during a divorce by not enforcing limits or allowing them to break rules. Helping children cope with divorce: Take care of yourself Need More Help with DepressionNeed More Help with Divorce? Helpguide's Bring Your Life into Balance mindfulness toolkit can help. The first safety instruction for an airplane emergency is to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child. The take-home message: take care of yourself so that you can be there for your kids. Your own recovery If you are able to be calm and emotionally present, your kids will feel more at ease. The following are steps you can take toward improving your own well-being and outlook: Exercise often and eat a healthy diet. Exercise relieves the pent-up stress and frustration that are commonplace with divorce. And although cooking for one can be difficult, eating healthfully will make you feel better, inside and out—so skip the fast food. See friends often. It may be tempting to hole up and not see friends and family who will inevitably ask about the divorce—but the reality is that you need the distraction. Ask friends to avoid the topic; they’ll understand. Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings, thoughts, and moods can help you release tension, sadness, and anger. As time passes, you can look back on just how far you’ve come. You’ll need support At the very least, divorce is complicated and stressful—and can be devastating without support. Lean on friends. Talk to friends or a support group about your bitterness, anger, frustration—whatever the feeling may be—so you don’t take it out on your kids. Never vent negative feelings to your child. Whatever you do, do not use your child to talk it out like you would with a friend. Keep laughing. Try to inject humor and play into your life and the lives of your children as much as you can; it can relieve stress and give you all a break from sadness and anger. See a therapist. If you are feeling intense anger, fear, grief, shame, or guilt, find a professional to help you work through those feelings. Helping children cope with divorce: Work with your ex Struggling to make joint custody work? See Tips for Divorced Parents Conflict between parents—separated or not—can be very damaging for kids. It’s crucial to avoid putting your children in the middle of your fights, or making them feel like they have to choose between you. Rules of thumb Remember that your goal is to avoid lasting stress and pain for your children. The following tips can save them a lot of heartache. Take it somewhere else. Never argue in front of your children, whether it’s in person or over the phone. Ask your ex to talk another time, or drop the conversation altogether. Use tact. Refrain from talking with your children about details of their other parent’s behavior. It’s the oldest rule in the book: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Be nice. Be polite in your interactions with your ex-spouse. This not only sets a good example for your kids but can also cause your ex to be gracious in response. Look on the bright side. Choose to focus on the strengths of all family members. Encourage children to do the same. Work on it. Make it a priority to develop an amicable relationship with your ex-spouse as soon as possible. Watching you be friendly can reassure children and teach problem-solving skills as well. The big picture If you find yourself, time after time, locked in battle with your ex over the details of parenting, try to step back and remember the bigger purpose at hand. Relationship with both parents. What’s best for your kids in the long run? Having a good relationship with both of their parents throughout their lives. The long view. If you can keep long-term goals—your children’s physical and mental health, your independence—in mind, you may be able to avoid disagreements about daily details. Think ahead in order to stay calm. Everyone’s well-being. The happiness of your children, yourself, and, yes, even your ex, should be the broad brushstrokes in the big picture of your new lives after divorce. Helping children cope with divorce: Know when to seek help Some children go through divorce with relatively few problems, while others have a very difficult time. It’s normal for kids to feel a range of difficult emotions, but time, love, and reassurance should help them to heal. If your kids remain overwhelmed, though, you may need to seek professional help. Normal reactions to separation and divorce Although strong feelings can be tough on kids, the following reactions can be considered normal for children. Anger. Your kids may express their anger, rage, and resentment with you and your spouse for destroying their sense of normalcy. Anxiety. It’s natural for children to feel anxious when faced with big changes in their lives. Mild depression. Sadness about the family’s new situation is normal, and sadness coupled with a sense of hopelessness and helplessness is likely to become a mild form of depression. It will take some time for your kids to work through their issues about the separation or divorce, but you should see gradual improvement over time. Red flags for more serious problems If things get worse rather than better after several months, it may be a sign that your child is stuck in depression, anxiety, or anger and could use some additional support. Watch for these warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety: Sleep problems Poor concentration Trouble at school Drug or alcohol abuse Self-injury, cutting, or eating disorders Frequent angry or violent outbursts Withdrawal from loved ones Refusal of loved activities Discuss these or other divorce-related warning-signs with your child’s doctor, teachers, or consult a child therapist for guidance on coping with specific problems.

The writing is on the wall: Your marriage is ending and the fallout of your once-blissful relationship will leave some painful and visible scars. Divorce is inevitable, and if you think the process is going to get nasty, it's time to prepare for the worst and get your finances in order to mitigate any collateral (literally) damage. Here are some tips to financially prepare for divorce and make sure you survive without any permanent monetary scars. Get an attorney It might cost you a couple of thousand dollars for a retainer, but hire an attorney as soon as you can when you are trying to financially prepare for divorce. You do not necessarily have to strike first and serve papers, but you want some assistance in beginning correspondence with your future ex-spouse and some help putting things in writing. For instance, your joint credit card or home equity line: As long as you are married and both names are on the account, the liabilities of those credit lines are split 50/50. The creditor could care less if your ex spent $5,000 on her girls' shopping trip to spite you or get you steamed -- you are responsible for half of it. However, if you have a documented, certified communication to your ex from your attorney, in a nasty settlement proceeding the judge may award you damages in your favor. It may not directly get you off the hook from the creditor, but it can’t hurt. At the very least, your attorney can help advise you on the entire situation -- he has likely seen every imaginable divorce situation. Get financially up-to-date You may hate talking to your spouse about anything, much less something as sensitive as finances, but now (more than ever) you need to be fully aware of the complete financial situation at hand. You need to understand all of your outstanding debts -- not just what the two of you have jointly, but also individually. With the assistance of your attorney, ask for a full disclosure of all financial records and accounts. You want to understand the full picture as it pertains to credit card accounts, home equity lines and even other items such as past IRS taxes, student loans, business debts, and department store charge cards to avoid any unforeseen surprises. You should also be prepared to disclose your full financial position. Get your own accounts Once it is certain that divorce is inevitable, in order to financially prepare yourself you should immediately begin establishing your own accounts that are only in your name. This includes checking, credit cards, savings, retirement, and even things like car insurance. You should start routing all of your deposits and paychecks through this account. Any asset account with both of your names listed will potentially be split 50/50, and you may not be so fond of your spouse using your money to pay off her credit cards and attorney fees. Sort out mortgage/rent payments If you have purchased a home together or are both on the lease of your current domicile, you need to take this issue under strong consideration when you financially prepare for divorce. The creditors expect the payments to be made regardless of your personal situation. You may want to move out as soon as you see this relationship is toast, but doing so may hurt your claim to the home and, again, you are still responsible for at least 50% of the mortgage payments. In some cases, the two spouses can come to an arrangement about who keeps the house and what concessions are to be made. However, more often than not, a sale of the home can be mandated by the judge to make the settlement process simpler and cleaner. There are a few more things you need to remember when you financially prepare for divorce.. Share Email Print RSS Pages: 12 Prepare For Divorce iStockphoto.com You do not want to be in a worst-case scenario where your spouse is living in your old home and you are still paying the bills. If you are the primary breadwinner you should continue to make mortgage payments and enlist your attorney to keep records of these -- you will not want late payments or foreclosure to show up on your credit score (which will be very important in your newfound single life). Divorce proceedings can take months, and if you have been 100% footing the mortgage during that time, you can take the position that the settlement agreement reflects your contributions to the mortgage. Changes to the will If you have a will, this should immediately be discussed and adjusted based on the divorce settlement agreement when you financially prepare for divorce. It may not happen for many years, but imagine how you would be rolling over in your grave if your estate were passed to your ex-wife 40 years from now. You should have your attorney consider things about who would be the executor of the estate or, if you have children, how children from your current marriage may be treated when compared with possible children or stepchildren from a future marriage. There are often horror stories of the children from the first marriage being left with nothing as the second wife takes control and passes on the goods to her children. From a legal perspective, divorce is best when it is a clean break. So, to financially prepare for divorce, reviewing your estate plan, no matter how small, will help to avoid any gray areas down the road -- some of which may take years to surface. Child support If you have children, child support will absolutely be an issue when you financially prepare for divorce. Child support rules are established by each state, but there are no formal rules. Basically, the state expects the parents to be able to come to an agreement that is equitable to the children and that does not affect their accustomed standard of living. That may not be reality, but the state will always put the children first. The state publishes guidelines based on your combined incomes and how many children you have, so that would be a starting place to review what is actually real when you financially prepare for divorce. If you won't have primary custody of the children, accept that you will be paying some form of child support. How much you pay is up to you and your spouse -- and your financial situation as it pertains to the children. If you and your spouse cannot find a common ground, you will be at the mercy of the court to make a recommendation based on the information presented by your attorneys. divorce dos and don'ts In a rocky relationship, divorce may seem like the quick and easy answer to personal liberation and an opportunity to start again. It may very well be just that (and it can be), but if you don't come to terms with the financial picture from the onset of divorce proceedings quickly, you may find yourself in a world of financial troubles for many months -- or even years -- to come. When it comes to financial planning and divorce, maintain your composure, get your records together and consider enlisting the help of qualified professionals. A definitive agreement now will save both you and your spouse a lot of financial and emotional pain down the road. It will also make it infinitely easier to establish your own life -- and even to get involved with someone else -- after the divorce.

Click Here! How to Catch a Cheating Spouse woman thinking How can I find out if my husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on me? It can be very difficult to catch a cheating spouse. Understandably, most people do not know how to investigate a spouse. Tips, resources and advice to help you discover the truth can be found at the bottom of this page (take me there now). But, if you want to catch a cheater, it often helps to understand the nature of the problem at hand. Why is it so difficult to catch a cheating husband or wife? Catching a cheating partner is difficult because cheaters have an unfair advantage when it comes to infidelity. In fact, most infidelity goes undetected, or unproven, because the rules of the game tend to favor those who cheat. How does this work? Exploiting Trust Most people have a strong desire to believe what a partner has to say. Trusting a partner creates a sense of security and comfort. No one really wants to think that a spouse may be lying, especially when it comes to infidelity (see, love is blind). Rather than assume the worst, it's often easier to believe a "pleasant lie" than to acknowledge an "devastating truth." In fact, some people work very hard to overlook a spouse's infidelity, because to acknowledge the alternative is much too painful. This helps explain why the spouse is typically the last to know: Because knowing always causes a faithful spouse the most pain. And cheating spouses take advantage of this. Cheaters often exploit their partner's desire to trust by telling their partners exactly what they want to hear ("I would never cheat on you."). Signs of a Cheating Partner Cheating spouses not only exploit their partner’s desire to trust, but there are few hard and fast signs of infidelity. Cues of infidelity vary widely, from situation to situation, and from relationship to relationship; making it impossible to provide a list of behaviors that is useful with a high degree of accuracy. Though in hindsight, the warnings signs are ALWAYS obvious. In fact, there are so many "telltale" lists of infidelity cues that it is hard to know what to believe (see, signs of cheating). Given all the different lists that exist, it helps to keep the following in mind: Providing a list of the signs of cheating is often counterproductive. First, any given behavior is open to multiple interpretations. Does a spouse's sudden interest in losing weight signal infidelity? Or could it be due to some other reason? The explanation for any behavior is never as clear-cut as we would like to believe. Furthermore, looking for signs of infidelity tends to fuels one’s suspicion. For instance, does your spouse clear his or her call log after each call? Dwelling on such matters tends to make people more anxious and suspicious. And the way people generally handle their suspicion ends up helping a cheating spouse. Suspicion Tends to Help Cheaters woman cryingSuspicion is a very strong emotion and it's difficult to hide. Suspicious individuals tend to signal their doubts by making accusations, acting insecure and anxious, being overly inquisitive, and so on. And a cheating spouse’s worst fear is getting caught. So, cheating spouses constantly monitor their partners for signs of suspicion. And if a cheating spouse detects suspicion, he/she will adjust his/her behavior to better hide and conceal the affair. Simply speaking, suspicion tends to help cheaters cheat more effectively. If your spouse is cheating, and you signal your doubts and suspicions, it's going to be much more difficult to discover the truth (see, common mistakes). When you put it all together, cheaters have the advantage: Both, trust and suspicion, tend to work in their favor. So, how can you catch a cheating spouse? If you suspect infidelity, do not confront your spouse until you have proof. And while it is helpful to talk to partners about most relationship problems, this is NOT the case when it comes to infidelity. A cheating spouse will almost never admit to infidelity, unless presented with evidence to the contrary. Even when presented with evidence, some spouses continue to lie (see, husband won't confess). Along the same line, while there are many tactics that you can use to get a partner to be more truthful, these tactics fail to work when it comes to infidelity. Despite these problems, there are several practical methods for catching a cheating spouse. All of these methods rely on some form of surveillance and careful observation. And while these methods can raise some ethical issues (see, is it ethical to spy on a spouse), they also tend to be very effective. These methods allow you to establish proof of an affair. No matter what your situation might be, there is most likely a way to discover the truth. Click Here!

Soul Mates are an experience. You will find that throughout your life, you will have many, many opportunities to connect with, or link up with, those that you have had experiences with before. It may have been in other planes of existence, in other lives, or in many other ways. So yes, you could call many of these relationships soul mates.

When two people connect and have a feeling of familiarity or a sense that they are connected for some reason other than they can imagine or know with their minds, often it is because they have soul mate qualities. You can even make a new soul mate in this life if you choose. So, let us create clarity with this question of, "What is a soul mate?"

A soul mate is a person or a being that you have a connection with from a soul level. I'm defining soul connection as being of greater expression, greater desire, or greater connection than just the purpose of connecting in your physical body. Soul mates come in many expressions.

When you do connect with someone with whom you have created a soul agreement to come together--to acknowledge one another--it can be an easy experience. Or, it can be a difficult experience. It depends on what you both decide you want to co-create and why you both came together.

Sometimes soul mates come together to wake each other up. Sometimes that can be a painful experience. Sometimes soul mates come together because they have achieved great heights. They have manifested great awarenesses in previous lives and are coming together in this life to celebrate and to bring forth more light upon this planet.

You see, we also have soul-groups. I bet that you can recognize many people that are in your soul-group already. However, I get a feeling that this questioner has more personal love interests in mind.

Yes, you can connect with a person that has the qualities of a soul mate, and they can be a significant relationship in the love interest area. Yes, you can create a relationship that flows easily and effortlessly. In this relationship there may be an awareness that you perhaps have differences. There may also be a willingness to create a place to allow each other to have their individual expression without feeling that one's nature needs to react because of lack or scarcity. That will allow the relationship to flow.

You will find that when two people come together who are soul mates, they will have made an agreement to benefit each other and to help in each other's lives in some way. Through their compatibilities, you will usually find they have a spiritual connection as their primary attraction. Then it will blend on an emotional level, and then you will find the mental. The last level to be discovered between soul mates is often the physical connection. Sometimes there will be a spark placed there to create the attraction so that you may find each other again. We are in a body, yes!? Therefore, the physical cannot be left out.