Dating & Relationships

So one of my Asian friends thats a girl asked me to write about this, since this is actually a unisex blog lol. P.S. I just take suggestions, and see wat i can write based on my perception, this doesn't not mean that this is true, or not just based on mine and her perception.

You’ve heard all of the misconceptions about Asian men. Perhaps you have even been on the receiving end of some cold brush off from a white woman who claims she’s “never been attracted to Asians.” First things first, you must take all those feelings of rejection and sadness and remove them from your mind. The only way you are ever going to be successful in dating is if you increase your self confidence and dismiss negativty.

Be proud of who you are and don’t be afraid to show the real you to the world. Not the nice guy version of you who carefully chooses his words and seeks to please everybody. No, the real you—the one lives and breathes comfortably and according to his own terms. Real men are not hurt by rejection. They laugh it off. Some men are even amused by rejection—as if this girl had the audacity to reject a king like you. It may inspire them to try harder since everyone loves a good challenge. Plus, the reward is always sweeter when you work harder for it!

What about the fact that you’re Asian and are doing the unthinkable and hitting on a woman of a different color? That’s not anything to be concerned about; in fact, there are some serious advantages to dating Asian men. First of all, Asians can benefit from what you might call “good racial profiling.” Most women see Asian men as harmless, cute and non-threatening. The opposite is true when a woman meets a man of practically any other race. These are stereotypes that can work to your advantage. If a woman feels comfortable in your presence, she is more open to conversing with you and flirting with you—if you play your cards right.

It’s a well known fact that some women are much “easier” than others, and we can thank the Good Lord for that. Some women may actually be quite fascinated with Asian men that take an interest in them, as they are something entirely new to experience. Sometimes all it takes to impress a woman is a forward and self-confident attitude. This sexy approach, coming from an Asian man of all people, can be quite a turn on for the average beautiful women. (Which are a dime a dozen compared to alpha Asian males!)

Remember that because you are a man, no one is going to be surprised to see you try and hit on a beautiful white woman. However, all those boys are going to be shocked when they see you walking home with a beautiful woman humping your arm! Every man will salute you and every woman will wonder what’s so special about you—now you understand the Asian philosophy!

Lets be sincere here, Asian girls are pretty and sexy creatures. I won’t be surprised if you have once held a secret desire to date Asian girls before of if you even still have such a desire. If you are not an Asian you probably know little about Asia and would find the girls even more alluring since their ways seem quite distinct from European girls or girls from other part of the world. This is not to say that they are a different specie altogether but their rich cultural heritage makes them quite distinct in their way of life or behavior. Globalization has brought about a more blending of cultures between different lands but still you just might need some tips on how to date an Asian girl successfully.

Are you among the many who have tried, really tried to date an Asian but can’t seem to get past the first date? Here are some tips that would help you, as you would see the problem has not been her but you and your style.

First tip is that you should not try to date an Asian girl. I mean don’t try the traditional dating moves. A dinner, movie, an occasional goodnight kiss and the no more calls from her. This is what everyone else is doing and it comes with too much pressure, expectations and awkwardness. These is what every one else has been doing with her. Try something easier, cheaper and less conventional. Something like just meeting for coffee, no big set up or preparations. She is less prepared and expectant. The atmosphere is less charged, more relaxed and thus more fun without the usual dating expectations.

Every guy tries that gets a woman or an Asian out on a date tries to impress her with is detailed “rap” or speech moves. The truth is she has heard it all before in many variations and versions. In this case less is more. The less you try to impress her the more the Asian girl is impressed. Try listening to her and getting her talk about herself. All you need is a small degree of interest. This throws her off guard as you are different and challenging, and Asian girls like you challenging.

Do not be Mr. Goody-goody. Be a bit naughty throw in unexpected and mischievous remarks to leave her wondering if you just said that. Do not over do it but do not show her you are over impressed with her looks. Naughty statements and actions leave them wondering more about the kind of guy you are.

Asian girls get a lot of admirers and so you have to be different to leave an impression. Most of them would want to give you little test to see how firm you are. Do not just give in to every one of her whim. Sometimes you can playfully yet firmly resist or refuse her. This is quite a turn on for Asian girls, a guy who takes charge (please don’t over do it)

Believe it or not an Asian girl would rate you more if she discovers you are admired by other Asian girls. So don’t spend all your time with one. Widen out and let them know you are trying to decide and have a lot of admirers. You just would be surprised with he results.

Asians are family bound, if you meet an Asian lady you would likely notice that family bounds are more respected within them. So get to know more about her family. Be interested in her family it sure would boost the possibility of your success.

Honesty is also a quality that is highly respected in the Asian society. A man of honor does not lie and does not abandon his responsibility. If you wish to impress an Asian girl you have to prove to her that you can be such a man of honor.

I believe you are better armed to tackle the next Asian girl that comes along. These tips if properly followed would leave you smiling each time.

Men are not that hard to figure out. Just follow the rules!

Rules:
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5. Crying is blackmail.
6. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
9 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See friggin a doctor!!

Additional Details
10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
11. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
14. You can either ask us to do something, Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
15. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

18. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
22. You have enough clothes.
23. You have too many shoes.
24. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
25. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Please note that this post is strictly, a joke per se, and should not be taken seriously. This some bit to liven the blog lol.



Why are men such jerks?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

Why do men always have to ogle at other women?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

Why are men so uncommunicative?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

Why can't men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?

Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

Why can't men just say "I love you?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"

* Please sleep with me.
* I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
* I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
* Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
* What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
* Stop nagging me.
* What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

What's with all the belching and farting?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

Why do men hate shopping?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?

Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?

Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for?

Why do men act like they own the remote control? What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.

Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?

Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)

Why do men fear commitment?

Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.

What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"

It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.

What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"

Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.

Do all men really masturbate?

Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.

Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?

Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor coordination?

It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also: Do all men really masterbate?)

Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

Why do men like younger women?

Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

Why do men only have one thing on their minds?

While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.

How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?

Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

Why are men such dogs?

I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient...

Do you have a sense that your girlfriend or partner restricts your lifestyle with excessive neediness, jealousy, controlling behavior, or by being too demanding? If your relationship has more in common with a hostage situation than a healthy relationship, you may in a codependent relationship. Learn how to get out!

Do you have a sense that your girlfriend or partner restricts your lifestyle with excessive neediness, jealousy, controlling behavior, or by being too demanding. A relationship is a place to build something -- both partners should help the other expand their horizons. Compromises need to be made, but neither partner should have the sense that they are constrained by neediness, jealousy, etc. If your relationship has more in common with a hostage situation than a healthy relationship, you may in a codependent relationship.

You may be in an unhealthy or codependent relationship if your partner:

* Demands to be by your side as often as possible
* Expects you to call her multiple times a day
* Needs to know where you're going at all times
* Shows jealousy over your normal interactions with other women
* Frowns on your having female friends
* Discourages you from spending time with male friends
* Has you walking on eggshells for fear of "slipping up"
* Demands to analyze everything about your relationship
* Pressures you to make commitments for which you're not read, such as marriage

You may be accustomed to her behaving like this, and you might accept that it's just the way she is. It's your choice if you wish to maintain a relationship with someone who acts like this, but it's important to be aware of these behaviors -- they are signs of an unhealthy relationship. When one partner is controlling or unstable, the other partner often experiences negative physical and mental effects from the stress. A lifetime of tolerating this behavior is a miserable existence.

Women who act clingy, needy, or excessively jealous tend to have major self-esteem issues. Since people tend to pair-off with partners with similar levels of self-esteem, you may have such issues of your own. You can address your own self-esteem issues later, but first, you must determine if your partner's level of neediness, jealousy, etc., is something you wish to address.

In a healthy relationship, each partner is comfortable bringing up problems, so address these issues with your partner if you're able to do so. Let her know that you are feeling boxed-in because of the way she tries to tightly grip the reigns of the relationship. Tell her that a sense of freedom and independence is important to you, and you're not feeling that because of the way her behavior is effecting you.

However, many men in relationships with controlling women feel uncomfortable bringing up issues. In fact, they're scared of discussing things like this, as she may overreact or respond in a way that causes more disruption. If you wish to stay in the relationship, you may need to address these issues with a third party, in a setting where you know you can speak your mind without fear of negative consequences.

What if you have no desire to maintain this relationship? Are you putting off the inevitable? Do you have the sense that eventually you will leave your partner, though now is just not the right time. With a birthday coming up, a parent who is ill, or an important interview on the horizon, you just can't leave her now in her time of need. The truth is, there is never a good time to leave, and if you think you're staying for her benefit, you're wrong: You're wasting her time when she could be on the road to healing and eventually finding a new relationship. If she's of child-bearing age, she may have her biological clock to consider, so if you don't want a life with her, it's important that you let her go.

So many men stay with controlling women because they can't find the strength or the will to leave. The man wants out, but several reasons keep him stuck:

* He can't stand the thought of hurting her
* He fears that she won't be able to handle the break up, and she might do something drastic
* He can't stand to see her cry
* He fears that she will go berserk, and may try to ruin both their lives
* She relies on him for a place to live, a ride to work, etc.
* They have a common lease, dog, etc.
* They are engaged and the family and friends expect a wedding

There are many more reasons why you might feel stuck in an unhealthy relationships, but they usually have the same theme in common: You feel responsible for her, can't stand hurting her, and feel that she may not be able to handle life without him. These are not valid reasons for staying in a relationship. If this describes you, you need to take action to leave the relationship -- see my site and find my guide to do just that, even if it seems impossible right now.

All you need is love. Unfortunately, love is not everything to some people. They need more. The world we live in may be a reason to become paranoid of strangers, and suspicious of our own family, at times. However, when you are in a relationship, those feelings should subside. For some, the fears go away without a second thought. For others, it is hard to trust. That is the main reason a boyfriend can become a controlling nightmare.

It is hard to pinpoint the answer to why this behavior exists, but, if you feel as if you are being controlled, being able to identify the behavior is your first step to freedom.


10. Always By Your Side

If you are in a relationship where it seems that you have no time to yourself, chances are you have a controlling boyfriend. He never wants you to go anywhere without him. There is no more “girls night out” for you and your friends, unless he is with you. Doesn’t sound like a good time.
9. Do What He Likes

When you do go out, it is to an event that HE chooses. You may not feel like going to a movie, but it is what he wants to do, for example. Also, his turning down an offer to do what you would like is a key sign that he is not flexible. It often leaves the impression that he does not care about your interests. He may, or may not, but he is not supportive either way.
8. Do Things For Him

“Honey, go pick up some soda for me.” sounds like a genuine request for assistance. If your boyfriend is constantly asking you to run errands, without including you as the benefactor, this is another sign of the need to feel in control. Instead of “…pick up some soda for me.”, the request should be, “We’re out of soda. Can you go pick some up, please?”. Can you see the difference? WE are in need of soda, simply.
7. No Manners

In the previous example, the “please” was left out intentionally. Your boyfriend will not be polite. He will not say “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, “please” or even “excuse me” to you. It is because he is expecting you to comply with his requests. He also feels as if you should be thanking him for allowing you to do things for him.
6. Questions, Questions

When you can finally break through the chains, and find some free time for yourself, be prepared: your controlling boyfriend will interrogate you when you return. Putting himself in a “father figure” position will install more of a sense of control. Treating you like a child that went to the mall, prior to doing her homework, is the kind of humiliation in you he is trying to achieve.
5. No Questions, No Answers

Unlike the aforementioned subject, your boyfriend will come and go as he pleases, without answering to anyone – especially to you. If you try to question his whereabouts or activities, he will become defensive. The subject will immediately transfer from your asking, “where were you?” to his comeback remark about how you nag him too much, or something similar to that effect. He will ignore answering the question, and make you feel guilty for asking it. This is in hope that you will not do it again.
4. He’s Always Right

In an argument with a controlling personality, it is very difficult for him to accept defeat. The controlling boyfriend will get more defensive, change the subject, or bring up a past occurrence, when he was, indeed, correct, in order to prove his point with the issue at hand. He may not always be right, completely, but he is never wrong.
3. Can’t Buy Me Love

credit cardsFools gold has been around for centuries. However, a fool AND his gold have special meaning to the controlling boyfriend. He will buy you nice jewelry, take you to expensive restaurants and maybe even offer to pay a debt of yours. He will say it is because he loves you. Not true. He needs to feel superior to you. You now owe him, in his mind. Who is the fool? To him, you are.
2. You’re Worthless

Belittling your self-confidence can be have very serious consequences. Making you feel as if you are worthless without him, the controlling boyfriend will prey on times that you may be stressed the most. If you have just lost a job, or if you are experiencing normal hormonal reactions, this is the time he will strike. He wants you to feel as if life is not worth living without him. It’s hard to believe, but his confidence level is actually lower than yours.
1. No Means No

This is the most upsetting trait that a controlling boyfriend can display. If he forces you to do things, against your will, he is not in love with you. Whether it is going to a baseball game, when you hate outdoor stadiums, or, even more harsh an act, makes you perform sexually against your will, he is NOT in love with you. Not showing you the courtesy to respect your wishes is not a behavior that goes away. This will continue as an abusive relationship, where you will be treated as an object, instead of a person.couple arguing

In conclusion, we all need to feel love in our lives. We all can find love in so many people that are in our lives already. Make sure you listen to the advice of your family and friends. They know you best, and care about you more than the rude, violent, controlling boyfriend that buys you the same cheap flowers after an altercation. You should always remember to respect yourself, and not be fooled into believing that you are any less of a person than anyone else. Put yourself on a pedestal, and never let any boyfriend make you feel as if you don’t belong there.

Cougars (women in their 40s+ dating men 7+ years their junior) or Pumas (women in their 30’s dating younger men) whatever you like to call them, whether you love or hate them, they are out there. From Halle Berry to Demi Moore they love their younglings, and we’re not talking about their children. Why these women do it? Because they can, they are at their sexual peak and who better than a younger guy to fulfill those needs? They’ve got stamina and that’s all they need. Do you like older women?


What is a cougar?The Unknown Cougar !

The short answer: A cougar is an older woman who is primarily attracted to and has sex with significantly younger men. I have to ask …”and this is wrong and unacceptable, why?” (giggle)

The long answer: The most commonly accepted definition of a cougar is a woman 40 years of age or older who exclusively pursues very young men. “Define very” (insert giggle and cougarish grin here) The onset of the cougar years is hotly debated. The ten year age difference seems to be an unspoken but accepted minimum between participants.


Why does this happen?

Is it about sex? A woman sexually peaks at 40 while a man peaks at the age of 17. I think if a woman passes the “age of matrimony”, before she finds an old partner that shares the same passion, she would venture into recreational flavoring of younger men.

Why would men ever be interested in older women? It’s simply because they are attracted to the confidence and sexual experience of older women and there are no strings called commitment attached.

Older, single women have been dubbed "cougars" for a reason: they're felines (females) who hunt younger men. As such, cougars are an interesting and unusual breed of women. They seem to want what men want: sex with no strings attached.

In that respect, they seem almost like the female counterpart of The Player: The Playerette. However, the cougar and the playerette have some key differences.

Read on to learn these differences and get some tips to help you make the most of these great creatures.

Typically, cougars prey upon men almost young enough to be their sons. Fortysomething cougars would be attracted to men in their 20’s, and fiftysomething cougars would pursue men in their 30’s and so on. Some cougars are less interested in a relationship than a sexual conquest, perhaps enjoying the fact that they are physically appealing to men who are considered to be in the prime of their virility. Again I ask …”and this is wrong and unacceptable, why?” and I’m giggling…What I didn’t know was that a cougar can be married or unmarried.Ashton Kutscher & Demi Moore

Although the term ‘cougar’ comes from the big game predatory cat of the same name, the cougar connection also may allude to the wearing of animal print clothing by older and more sexually aggressive women. How many of you just stopped to think if they have been sighted wearing animal print lately? I know I just mentally scanned my closet, phew I’m good.

In my opinion we are hearing more about older women with younger men because people in general have become more accepting and desensitized with just about everything in life. Women are financially independent and are looking for fun with no complications or expectations. Not to say that dating a younger man doesn’t come with complications.


Types of cougars

First off, we must understand that there are certain types of cougars.

Cougar Type 1- The type of cougar that hooks up with young athletic-types (think Susan Sarandon in Bull Durham). She may settle for a less physical, more suave catch, but the point is, she thinks like a man in that she's looking for the hottest-looking guy she can get -- the female equivalent of a guy meeting the Swedish bikini team.

Cougar Type 2- The confused cougar that looks for easy sex, but really seeks a relationship man. She'll tart herself up and come on strong, but right around the time things start to get intimate -- either shortly before or after you know her in the biblical sense -- she reveals herself to be a seeker.

Tread carefully and don't get caught with type No. 2.

how to spot a cougar
Appearance:

* She dresses quite suggestively, often younger than her age -- she wants desperately not to look middle-aged.
* Her clothes will generally be tight or low-cut -- anything to make a guy notice her. From afar she might look like a young hottie, which gets guys to approach. Get close, see the wrinkles and makeup, and her true age becomes apparent -- but by that time she's already being flirtatious and has lured you into her lair.
* She'll often be a smoker (cigarettes are a sexy prop, and "got a light?" is a good approach) who dies her hair (blonde is most popular) and dolls herself up (seems to be sponsored by Revlon).
* They often hang out in groups, acting as wingwomen for each other. On the other hand, given their considerable experience and resulting confidence, they will not wait for their friends to hit the bars. Logistically, it's easier for an easily picked-up woman to fly solo.

Her behavior is much more forward...

Your fellow tenant in the place where you live.

Sure, it's convenient at first, a love affair with the hottie on the first floor ... but once it goes down the tubes, it's can be kind of awkward, as it was for my old buddy Henry. He lived above the girl he was sleeping with for a few months. After they broke up, there were a few times when she called him, saying "I can hear you up there--who are f**king? WHO IS SHE?" Scary. He was getting ready to find a new place, cheap rent be damned, when the girl rang up to report (in tears) that she was moving out, because she couldn't take it any more.



Your dentist.

Little-known fact: Dentists are party animals. A crazy friend of mine, Cassie, once dated her dentist, and they'd go out clubbing every night and snort a bunch of coke, and he bought her a diamond bracelet for their, like, one-week anniversary--and then went totally psycho on her when she tried to break it off! Wouldn't stop calling, showed up in the middle of the night banging on her door--and then she even heard from the crazy dentist's wife! (She hadn't known he was married!) ... Having heard this insane story, I declined when my own (quite adorable) dentist asked me out on a date two years ago. But the whole thing was so awkward that I haven't been able to call him for an appointment since. And my teeth are rotting! Let this be a cautionary tale to you wild kids out there: Dating the wrong kind of men (i.e. dentists!) can really put your dental hygiene at great risk.



Your shrink.

The evil stepmother of a friend of mine recently broke up with her husband--my friend's father--so she could start dating her shrink. What makes this whole story even more wrong is that she herself is an psychoanalyst! So people, Prince of Tides nonwithstanding, please don't pull your therapist onto the couch with you. It's bad news when the person who is supposed to help you figure out all your psychodrama becomes the person who is creating it.



Your office-mate.

My father likes to say: Don't piss where you eat. Similarly: Don't screw where you toil. In other words: Please think carefully before you let your office-mate dip his pen in your ink well. He is someone you will have to see every single day, after all, and behave professionally in front of from 9-to-5. If you're convinced you're in love and you two will go the distance, that's one thing. (And I still might hold off till one of you get transferred to a different department.) But going out to, say, the Corner Bistro, after work, getting wasted on shots to celebrate the end of a tough week, and then taking your co-worker home with you ... ? Probably a terrible idea. Probably not worth the potential awkwardness. (Then again, my crazy friend Cassie dated someone she used to work, and that didn't go so badly--perhaps because she got fired about two weeks after the affair started so they were free to continue their romancing without the pressures of the work-place. And you know what she and her beau did on her last day of work? They stayed later than everyone else--and then they had sex on her boss's desk! I kid you not.)

1. BODY INSECURITIES

You know you have this problem if...
You cringe and cover up when your partner sees you naked.
Compliments make you nervous and defensive.
Thinking about his positive attributes makes you wonder what he's doing with you.

Why is it a problem?
When we are ashamed of our bodies, we "withdraw sexually" and have trouble "being playful and free," says relationship expert Dr. Alice Pisciotto. Many people resort to substances to deal with their insecurities (for example, drinking in order to have sex), which can ruin a sense of closeness.

How to fix it:
The first step is awareness: realizing, for example, that when he says, "you look beautiful in that dress" and you hear, "go to the gym," it's not because he's being sarcastic, but because you feel ashamed of your body. The second step is to learn to talk about it in an open, honest way. Explain your insecurities to him, why you think you have them, and how they make you feel. Then, pledge to yourself to throw the symptoms of insecurity out the window. Once you stop calling yourself fat, for example, you may stop feeling so fat.

2. BAD TIMING

You know you have this problem if...You bring up sore points — issues you argue about often or recently — at romantic dinners, family functions, or company events. Or, worse yet, you bombard him with accusations the second you're alone.

Why is it a problem?
"This really drives guys crazy," says Pisciotto. Everyone knows that communication is important to a good relationship, but knowing when and where to communicate can be just as important. Bringing up a problem at an inappropriate time or place will almost never solve it, and will become a problem in its own right. And he'll be reluctant to bring you along to his cousin's wedding if he's worried you'll be shooting him dirty looks all night.

How to fix it:
If you want to talk about a problem, give some forewarning, says Pisciotto. "X is really bothering me. Can we talk about it tonight?" Have a safe, private place where you can talk without feeling uncomfortable. And if you really want to resolve the issues, make sure you are talking in person and never by text message or e-mail.

3. SNAPPING

You know you have this problem if...
Your partner complains you're always blowing up at him — whether he forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning or threw out the manuscript for the novel you've secretly been working on.

Why is it a problem?
You may be using these explosions as a substitute for intimacy, says Pisciotto. "If you say, 'I love you,' who knows how he's going to react?" You may get a grunt, you may get a kiss, you may get some bad news. "But if you scream at him, you know he's going to scream back." Excessive anger may be a sign that you're insecure about his feelings for you. Snapping at him allows you to control his behavior because his response — anger — is predictable. But if he feels like he's always about to step on a land mine, you may be doing the very opposite: driving him away.

How to fix it:
"This is really an issue of self-awareness," says Pisciotto. The next time you feel mad at him, ask yourself if your anger is proportionate to the offense. If not, think about why you feel so furious: Are you mad about something else that you haven't talked about sufficiently? Does his anger reassure you of his feelings (i.e., "if he's screaming at the top of his lungs, he must be passionate about me")? Are you insecure about his feelings because of something he has done, or because of something unrelated that happened to you in the past? Instead of blowing up at him, try to calmly and insightfully tell him why you are feeling so enraged. Use "I" sentences instead of "you" sentences: "I felt angry when you didn't call, because it made me feel like you don't care about me," rather than, "You didn't call me! You don't care about me!"

4. KEEPING SCORE

You know you have this problem if...
You're keeping a tally of the gives and the takes.
You say things like, "Yes, we hung out with my friends tonight but I hung out with his friends for the last five days."

Why is it a problem?
"Keeping score is usually a sign you don't feel understood, that you don't feel heard," explains Pisciotto. You feel that your partner doesn't realize or appreciate the contributions and sacrifices you make for the relationship. "This becomes the 'yes, but' of the relationship," says Dr. Pisciotto. "Yes, you took me out to dinner tonight, but I paid the last six nights. Yes, you initiated sex tonight, but I always initiate. Yes, you care about me, but I care about you more."

How to fix it:
When you catch yourself thinking or saying, "Yes, but..." step back and ask yourself why. Is this an isolated incident: Are you really the one who always does the dishes, and you just want him to help out more with household chores? Or is it part of a bigger problem: Do you feel like you always make more sacrifices for the relationship, and the dishes are just one example of many? Keeping score provides you with ammo to win the argument "Who's the better partner." It's childish behavior that you should do your best to minimize. Be hypervigilant when your thoughts slip into the "Yes, but..." pattern. Remind yourself that although you may give more in this particular area — you always pay for dinner out — he may give more in another, like always buying the groceries.

5. LETTING THE PAST DICTATE THE PRESENT

You know you have this problem if...
You blame your current boyfriend for problems you had in your last relationship: Your ex had an affair with his personal trainer, so you tell your new boyfriend you like the "chubby look" to keep him out of the gym.

Why is it a problem?
It's a basic truth of psychology that "we often repeat problems in order to solve them," says Pisciotto. For example, when you're suspicious that your new boyfriend is going to cheat on you, like your ex did, your subconscious is trying to come to terms with the old problem. The effect will hardly be productive: You're likely to create some new issues with your current boyfriend without solving the issues from your past.

How to fix it:
Take a moment to ask yourself: Are there any issues or arguments you had with a former boyfriend that still bother you? If so, write them down and be on the lookout. The next time you're angry with your current boyfriend for something similar, ask yourself whether or not he deserves it. If not, Pisciotto recommends telling him about your ex and asking him about his. But be clear that you're talking about your old flame solely for the purpose of improving your current relationship. Your new guy doesn't want to hear about how your ex just got a promotion, what a great cook he was, or how amazing he was in bed.

It's the new riddle of the Sphinx: “Why didn’t he call me back?” You have a great first date with a promising guy. You think it went well and expect to see him again… but then poof! He vanishes inexplicably. You sit around with your girlfriends and debate why he didn’t call you back. What happened in between “I’ll pick you up at 8pm” and “poof?” You speculate, you obsess, you rationalize, you justify. You want to know why. When your friends tell you, “It’s not you, it’s him,” you want to know if they’re trying to be nice or telling you the truth.

Guess what? There is someone who does know the truth about what really happened on your date. But it’s not you. It’s not your friends. And it’s certainly not your mother. It’s the guy you went out with. So I decided to ask him for you! In fact, I asked 1,000 “hims.” During the past ten years as a dating coach and matchmaker, I conducted “exit interviews” with 1,000 single guys to find out why you never heard from him again after a date, or after he flirted with you online or at a party. And I got some real answers. It turns out there are clear, consistent reasons why men show initial interest and then disappear. Sure, sometimes the issue is all his—who hasn’t gone out occasionally with a real jerk? But it turns out that many times we’re sending out signals we might not be aware of. And the good news is that most of these signals are easy to fine-tune.

Men essentially confessed that when they first meet you, they have several “female stereotypes” floating around in their mind. They quickly try to peg which stereotype you are and then look for evidence to back up their hunch. You know who you are deep down, but he doesn’t yet. So he will decide whether to call you again based on his perception of you, not the reality. In the early stage of dating, perception is reality. Here are three of the most common reasons men revealed why they aren’t calling women back (get the other 7 reasons - and what you can do about all of them - in my new book).

Reason #1: The Boss Lady
His perception: He’d rather hire you than date you. He perceives you as argumentative, controlling, overly independent, and not feminine or warm. While you think he’s intimidated by your success, he’s thinks you have a prickly attitude and imagines that snuggling with you is like hugging a porcupine in a pin-striped business suit!

Your reality: You’re confident, forthright and successful, but he can’t yet see those great qualities behind your tough demeanor. Try showing your warm, sensitive side first by talking about your adorable nephew or your volunteer work at the animal rescue shelter. And definitely change clothes after work into a flirty skirt instead of staying in that power business suit.

Reason #2: The Park Avenue Princess
His perception: You’re looking for a “Perfect 10”: the guy’s who’s a 5 on the looks scale with $5 million in the bank. He thinks you’re high maintenance, superficial, or a gold-digger.

Your reality:You can take care of yourself. You enjoy spending what you make. Maybe you’re interested in a nice lifestyle, though it’s not your only priority. But he’s jaded by all the gold-diggers he dated before you (you’re guilty until proven innocent). So instead of asking him “What’s your favorite hotel in St. Bart’s?” you should ask “What’s your favorite little neighborhood café?” When the waiter inquires whether you’d like tap or bottled, don’t order the Evian; one glass of city water (almost) never killed anyone! {Tip: squeeze a little lemon in your glass…}

Reason #3: The Sadie Hawkins
His perception: You’re pursuing him. You sent him a thank-you email after your date, and immediately he knew you liked him. He may even think you’re a little desperate. Deep down, he feels deflated because when he likes a woman, he’d rather do the chasing.

Your reality: That thank-you email was a show of good manners, not a subtle hint for him to ask you out again. At work you’re rewarded for taking initiative, but with guys you have to let them reach out first. Don’t say, “Let’s do this again sometime”—that’s his line. This is one time in your empowered, take-charge life when you have to sit back and wait after a first date—do absolutely nothing to follow-up (don’t even check to see if he’s logged into his online dating profile). He’s a big boy and knows how to contact you if he’s interested.

I truly believe it’s not that “good” guys don’t exist, but rather that simple (mis)perceptions—which can be easily tweaked once you’re aware of them—are standing in Cupid’s way. Which stereotype do you think men might be labeling you?

He Said: It's my experience that maturity and age are two things that rarely comingle. Age does matter in relationships, and anyone that tells you otherwise is either in high school and has a crush on one of their teachers, is a Miley Cyrus fan, or worships Hugh Heffner. Age is the vehicle by which we experience common milestones in life. These milestones give us the ability to relate to one another. We all experience a first kiss, first partner, first sex, marriage, home, career, child, divorce, etc. If you're at the end of this list, what on Earth could you have in common with someone near the beginning? There is a reason that most couples today do not have a significant age difference. Consider that over the last one hundred years, the average age difference between married couples is 3.5 years. Coincidence? No. Call it what it is — a trend.

When my divorce was final, I went out of my way to date women of different ages ranging anywhere from twenty-two to fifty-three years old. I found that with younger women, I felt attracted but bored. With older women it was just the opposite — I was interested but did not feel attracted to them. With each woman I dated, things ended as quickly as they began. In hindsight, the only thing I was clear on regarding the women I described was that I wanted to date and was initially attracted to them. Their age should have been a warning to me that we may have nothing in common.

This experience taught me two things. The first is that age is not just a number. It is a fairly accurate measurement that describes where you have been and what is left in front of you. It tells you what you may have in common with someone. The second is to know what you are attracted to, understand what you want in a partner and a relationship, and confirm that these things are in agreement before you choose to spend time with someone.

Now, I stay away from age extremes, and in those rare moments I meet someone extremely younger or older that I'm into, I look for common interests before committing to a date. This works for me because I recognize that age matters. It is simply naïve to think otherwise.

She Said: I'll be honest here — I like 'em old. Save for my first boyfriend, who was just two years older than me, the men I've dated and clicked with have generally been anywhere from six to twenty years my senior. Now a twenty year age difference may not be the norm or "average" (neither is six, for that matter), but I hardly think it's a strong predictor for the success of a relationship (after all, nearly half of those couples with the "ideal" age difference between them get divorced), and it amuses me how shocked people continue to be about an age discrepancy. Do I think it's a great idea for 16-year-old Miley Cyrus to have dated a 20-year-old? Not necessarily, but I'll leave it up to the two people in the relationship to decided whether or not it works for them.

Age itself isn't a factor in compatibility —it's elements like maturity and life experience, which tend to correlate with age, that can make or break a relationship's long-term potential. But so can future goals, background, culture, family, career, personality, and sexual chemistry. I tend to think that the combination of those factors (maturity and life experience included) takes precedence over whether or not your significant others gets your clever Beverly Hillbillies reference. And while we're at it, can we retire lingo like "cougar" and "cradle-robber" (or grave-robber, as I've been called) — it condescends both parties in question and is on par with sticking a cutesy label on someone who dates outside of their own race or background, in my opinion.

Date and let date — unless you're currently involved in a triad relationship with the May-December couple you're commenting on, leave it to them to form opinions on how their age gap works for them. Age and maturity often go hand in hand, but you can certainly have one without the other.

All that said, I do have one (admittedly hypocritical) rule when it comes to dating much older men. To weed out the creepsters, I always ask if they generally date women as young as me. If they make a habit of trolling for women at the local college campus, I move on. I want to be the exception, not the rule.

Fake an Emergency

1. Excuse yourself from the table.Tell your date that you are going to the restroom to “wash up.” Take your cell phone with you. If you do not have one, locate a restaurant phone that’s out of your date’s line of vision. Bring a restaurant matchbook or a business card that has the restaurant’s phone number.

2. Call a friend or relative for help.Tell them to call you (either on your cell phone or on the restaurant’s phone) and pretend there has been an “emergency.” Believable emergencies are:

* Personal Crisis: “My friend just broke up with her husband—she’s having a breakdown. I have to go.”

* Business Crisis: “My boss just called—she’s in Seattle for a major presentation, and has lost all her files. I have to e-mail them to her immediately.”

* Health Crisis: “My sister just called—our grandmother is alone and ill.”

3. Leave quickly before your date can protest.Apologize, but refuse any attempt your date makes to accompany you. If you leave swiftly and without hesitation, your date won’t have time to understand what’s happening or to object.

Slip Away Unnoticed

1. Identify your escape route.Observe your surroundings. Take note of the exits, especially the back doors. Look for the best way out and an alternative.

2. Plan to alter your appearance.Think about your most distinctive features and figure out how to hide or disguise them. The person you are trying to leave is going to see a figure moving past and away at a distance and will be focusing on the first impression. If you are not familiar to him and are uninteresting, you will not get a second look.

3. Excuse yourself from the table.Move to the restroom or any private area with a mirror to begin your transformation. Your date will probably wait two or three minutes before expecting you to return, so act quickly, before he begins looking for you.

4. Add or remove clothing.Layering garments will change your body shape and even suggest a different gender. A long coat will obscure your body type. Hats are especially useful because they conceal your hair and facial features. Eyeglasses, whether added or removed, work wonders. A shopping bag is a handy prop and can be used to hold your belongings.

5. Change your walk and posture.If you usually walk quickly, move slowly. If you stand up straight, hunch over. To alter your gait, slip a pebble in one shoe or bind one of your knees with a piece of string or cloth.

6. Use or remove cosmetics.Lipstick can change the shape of your mouth, heighten the color in your cheeks and nose, and even give you tired eyes if dabbed and blended on your eyelids. An eyebrow pencil can be used to add age lines, change the shape of your eyes and brows, or create facial hair.

7. Change your hairstyle or color.A rubber band, hairspray, water, or any gooey substance can be useful for changing a hairstyle, darkening your hair, or altering a hairline. Borrow flour from the kitchen to lighten or gray your hair color.

8. Adopt a cover role.A waiter in the restaurant may have an apron and be carrying a tray. If you can manage to procure these items, add or subtract a pair of eyeglasses, and alter your hairline or hairstyle, you can become invisible as you are moving out of the restaurant, into the kitchen, and out the rear door. Or you can take on the role of a maintenance worker; carry a convenient potted plant out the front door and no one will think twice.

9. Make your move.Do not look at your date.

Slip Out the Window

If you do not think you will be able to change your appearance enough to slip past your date, you may have to find another way to depart. Back doors are the simplest; they are often located near the restrooms or are marked as fire exits. Do not open an emergency exit door if it is alarmed unless absolutely necessary; an alarm will only draw attention. If there are no accessible alternate doors, you will need to find a window.

1. Locate a usable window.Avoid windows with chicken wire or large plate glass. Bathroom windows often work best. If you are not on the ground floor, be sure there is a fire escape.

2. Attempt to open the window.Do not immediately break the window, no matter how dire your need to get out.

3. Prepare to break the window if you cannot open it. Make sure no one is around. If you can, lock the bathroom door.

4. Find an implement to break the window.Try to avoid using your elbow, fist, or foot. Suitable implements are:

* Wastebasket

* Toilet plunger

* Handbag or briefcase

* Paper towel dispenser

5. Strike the center of the glass with the implement.If the hand holding the implement will come within a foot of the window as you break it, wrap it with a jacket or sweater before attempting to break the glass. If no implement is available, use your heavily wrapped hand; be sure you wrap your arm as well, beyond the elbow.

6. Punch out any remaining shards of glass.Cover your fist with a jacket or sweater before removing the glass.

7. Make your escape.Do not worry about any minor nicks and cuts. Run.

Get Your Date to Leave

1. Say something offensive. If you know your date is of a particular religion or ethnicity, make inappropriate comments.

2. Behave inappropriately.Do things that you think he will find unattractive or distasteful: chew with your mouth open, eat with your fingers, argue with the waiter, close your eyes and pretend to sleep, light matches and drop them on your plate, ignore everything he says, and/or call someone else on your cell phone.

3. Send your date on a “fool’s errand.”

* Tell him you want to go to a specific nightclub, but explain that it gets very crowded and that if you are not in line by a certain time (say, 15 minutes from then), you won’t get in. Tell your date that you have arranged to have your friend stop by the restaurant with guest passes, but that if your date does not go ahead to the nightclub to get in line, you’ll never make it inside. If your date wants your cell phone number, give the number willingly but make sure you change one digit. Promise you will see your date within half an hour. Never show.

* Fake an allergy attack, and insist that he leave in search of the appropriate over-the-counter allergy medicine. Explain that you must have been allergic to something in the drink/appetizer/food/taxicab, and that if you do not obtain your medicine you will break out in hives. When your date dutifully leaves, slip away.

Be Aware

* Blind dates are the riskiest forms of dating—it is best to check out a potential suitor extensively before the date.

* Have a friend agree to check out your potential suitor and call you before you enter the bar/restaurant. Send your friend in with a cell phone. Situate yourself at a bar nearby, and await her call. Have her contact you when she has identified the mark.

* If you discover unsavory facts about someone you’re supposed to meet, call immediately to cancel the date. Blame work and say that you have to stay late at the office, or say that you’re experiencing car trouble. A more permanent solution is to say that an old flame has reentered your life; this will prevent your blind date from calling you again and asking for a rain check.

Q: What should I do if I go on a date, and early on it's clear the evening is going to be a huge flop? Do I stick it out? Is it kinder to make up an excuse and end the evening early?

A: End it, but have the courage to be kind and honest. He may not think it's a bust, so let him down gently. But don't lie or fake an emergency text message. If you're sharp enough to sense a flop, you're smart enough to find ways to say you don't feel right about the evening.

Why prolong the agony? Be cordial, and ease on down the road as quickly as you can without causing a scene. But first determine whether your date is creepy or only clumsy. Creepy always calls for an exit, but clumsy may be a sign of limited dating experience or introversion

If he's a nice guy but the sparks aren't there, stay put. Who knows? You may end up becoming friends, or he may be the perfect guy for someone else you know.

I second that. The right conduct is not to cut and run. The Golden Rule applies: Stick it out, and do your best to make sure your companion has as good a time as possible. Maybe your first impression was wrong. If you leave early, you'll never know if you missed a life-changing surprise.

I once cut a blind date short with mumbled excuses. By chance, I ran into him again at a party when we were both more relaxed. As Jack says, a life-changing surprise. Six months later, we were married.