Do Nice Guys Have to Finish Last?

Why is it that the women you know tell you they want a "nice guy," but it's the smooth player who gets their number while you stay home weekends watching bad cable TV? You're a nice guy. Lots of women have told you so. Of course, it's in the form of, "You're a nice guy, but..." Do women want nice guys or not? The answer is yes, they do. But the simple reason that they often date the "player" is because these guys actually ASK THEM OUT. They don't just sit on the bench: they get in the game. They know that while a batting average of .300 is a really good thing, it means that they will still strike out over 2/3 of the time, but they take their swing anyway. This confidence is very attractive to women. It's not that women want nice guys to become "players," but they would love it if you would get in the game.

Most nice guys are trying to respect a woman's feelings and her space. They don't want to come on too strong. They do want to acknowledge her strength and independence. But sometimes in being "nice," they sabotage their chances. It's the "Halfway Theory." Nice guys assume the woman will meet them halfway. That way, she still has control and feels empowered. That's nice, but it's wrong. You will not make yourself attractive to a woman by pursuing her only halfway. Think about it: if Sammy Sosa got up to the plate, hit the ball and then ran only HALFWAY to first base, he'd be out. And if he didn't even try to swing at the ball at all, he'd also end up back on the bench. Articles on MarsVenus.com, explain the fact that most men don't realize the power they have to win a woman over. Your attraction and interest in her will make her more interested in and attracted to you. This is why halfway is not far enough. We surveyed women in our office about the things nice guys do that don't quite connect and came up with four tips to help a nice guy make contact—all you have to do is take that swing:

1. Don't sweat the "etiquette"

You've always been taught "Ladies first," and so there you are waiting for a signal before approaching and making your move. For some guys, it can be as small and subtle as a quick smile; others need the equivalent of a sledgehammer over the head but whichever category you fall into, you may be waiting forever so Do make the first move. If you are attracted to a woman, making that move will make you more attractive to her. Our research shows whenever a man does something to make a woman feel special, in her eyes he becomes more attractive.

2. Don't play it cool

Now you're probably thinking, "But I don't want her to feel like I'm hitting on her. I don't want her to think I am trying to pick her up." You do want her to think you are hitting on her. If she thinks you are just being polite or friendly, then she will not see you as a romantic prospect. So, do express your interest. This doesn't mean some tired line like, "Hey baby, what's your sign?" Ask her questions about herself. Find out about common interests. Listen to her instead of talking about you. Again, your interest in her will fuel her attraction to you.

3. Don't compliment clothing

Compliments can be a good icebreaker—if they are done right. One of the women at in our office recounted that she was grocery shopping after work and a guy came up to her and said "Nice jacket." She looked at him like he was from Mars (which he was) and muttered "Thanks" and continued shopping. It didn't occur to her until much later that he was trying to make contact with her because he was attracted to her. She thought he was interested in her jacket. So remember, do compliment the woman. Had this guy said, "That jacket looks great on YOU" or "YOU look nice in that jacket," she would have understood his intention.

4. Don't hand a woman your business card

You give a woman your business card because you are trying to be respectful and considerate. Let her feel empowered. "Give me a call if you're interested." This can backfire because then a woman interprets this as you wanting to be pursued. It makes her feel as if she isn't attractive enough to you for you to pursue her. So instead, do ask for her card/number. She might say "no," which could mean she's uncomfortable giving out her number or she's not interested. But if she is somewhat interested, the act of asking for her number is likely to increase her attraction to you. After you've make that move, then giving her your card will more likely be interpreted correctly.

Nice Guys Don't Have to Finish Last - Part 2

In our last article we explored some of the things nice guys do that, although they feel they are being respectful towards women and their feelings, can backfire and hurt their chances of getting in the game. The problem can be summed up by the "Halfway Theory," which comes into play when nice guys expect to be met halfway by the woman, to give her control and empower her. Our dating articles explain how most men don't realize the incredible power they have to sweep a woman off her feet. The secret of "players" is that their confidence and interest is attractive to women.

Don't ask her out halfway

Again, not wanting to pressure the woman or come on too strong, you say something like "Hey, maybe we could catch a movie some time" or "Let's get together for lunch." This leaves the ball in her court and then she's forced to pursue you. Her attraction to you diminishes because you are not showing anything but casual interest in her so do make specific plans. Instead of "Maybe we could catch a movie sometime," try "There's a Cary Grant retrospective playing downtown next week. Would you like to go with me?" or " This great new Italian place opened near work. Could I take you there sometime next week?" If you must test the waters with the vague "Maybe we could get together sometime," be sure to FOLLOW-UP with a specific plan immediately.

So if you say, "Maybe we could catch a movie sometime" and she says "That sounds great," immediately come up with a specific plan as in, "There's a Cary Grant retrospective playing downtown next week. Would you like to go?" Woman love the confidence of a man with a plan.